I desire community. I need it. I need it I need it.

I get to go to camp in two weeks. And I am so utterly excited. You know why? Because I feel that is my place to belong. It's a place I fit in. Where people know me. And I can be real. Because realness takes a ridiculously long time for me. And sometimes realness requires that people ask the right questions. And the right questions require actually knowing a person.

Today I went to church, per usual. I saw community, but did not feel I was a part. It's too soon. Not for me to let go and allow it (ok, maybe a little bit), but for relationships to develop.

This community is amazing. They passed their babies around during the service. They commemorated a member's mother's death a year ago by singing and praying for her soul. They cheered and celebrated with the announcement of a first-time expecting mother. So beautiful.

They simply don't know me, and I don't know them. Honestly, today was a hard day. But something of massive size keeps me from opening up about it. At least this early. I was asked a few times how I am. And I lied. I said good.

Until a man I've only had small talk with approached me to ask me how my first week without Curt is going.

He asked the right question because he knew that part of me.

And because of this, I was able to open up a bit. Of course, I didn't fall into his arms weeping. But was honest about how difficult the first week is and why. He understood, but he didn't get awkward. He maintained his joy. I knew his joyful spirit before I knew his name. I don't think he knows how much that small question and that ounce of joy meant to me. Maybe I'll tell him someday. : )

Sigh, community. At the speed you require to develop, I will still wait for you.