Wednesday, December 7, 2011

She Floats, But Do I?

My husband adopted a cat before I came out to Japan. His name is Lord Byron, and I know we have him because of me. So the house won't feel so empty when Curt is underway. But I have a feeling this cat is going to, at times, drive me insane. He just spent 3 minutes at my side meowing into my ear. And this cat has no subtle meow.

It makes me realize even more that love does hurt. A cat is not enough. Sam from Love Actually was right. There is something agonizing about being in love. Because the more you love, the more you have to lose. And the more absence hurts. Marriage is no solve-all, my friends, and thank God I wasn't looking for one when I got married. It's actually a tough road that beckons your commitment to a fierce relationship requiring your heart and your selflessness. And if you build a crappy marriage, you have to deal with mending it, or just maintaining it, I guess. If you build a great marriage, you've given yourself a lot to lose. And that's scary. Because maybe you will someday.

But hey, love is risky. As it should be. And just as painful as it is rewarding.

There's something heavy that lies in the unknown. In the Navy, we face an uncertainty of when he (or she) will be gone. For how long. And when they're coming back. And for how long. It's been a blessing that Curt's ship has been docked for our first few months out here. I've been able to adapt to an overseas station with my husband. Most spouses aren't so lucky. But the Shiloh is warming up her joints and stretching our her back. She's soon ready to go out and taste that salty water.

As I sit here and sigh in the face of reality, I somehow feel like not talking about it. I'm not sure I've ever felt this feeling before. LoL. Separation is imminent, but I'm breathing in slow realization and preparation. Quiet preparation. Quiet confusion. Of what to do. Of how to deal. Or how to let it teach me.

When I'm in our 3-story, small Japanese house, I am just a person in a building. When Curt's here too, it's our home.

I'm about to learn a lot, struggle a lot, and probably change a lot. So here's to hope, here's to God, and His desire to burn away the chaff. Here's to a better me, a refined character, and a heart that keeps beating.