Here I am.

I'm hyper.

I'm hyper because I'm revved up by the way God is moving. I'm finally starting to understand the things I'm going through and why I'm going through them.

Confused? Welcome to my life.

I went out for coffee this afternoon with a very wise catholic man. He's the choir director of the catholic church on campus where a close friend of mine attends. I somehow ended up setting up coffee with him and gained a perspective that has been freeing me for the past hour.

My connection with God has been changing over the past year. The thing is, this change doesn't feel good. It feels as if a connection is absent, almost as if I've checked out and have lost touch with my Lord. I've been thankful for this humbling and somber experience. But it has been painful to think I've been trying so hard without seeing any fruit of my labor.

I told this to my new friend, and he said something that surprised me, something that I never even thought about.

"What a blessing that He trusts you enough to give you this experience."

I'm not experiencing the fruit of a connection with God. I don't feel good about my relationship with Him because I don't feel the output, the benefits of connection with Him. But this experience has been an opportunity for me to stay. I'm still here, even though there are no rewards. I don't feel very present, and I don't feel I've been the greatest person lately. But I somehow remain, and I've been given the strength to.

Tonight I was also given a good metaphor. Kids should eat their green beans. And most of the time they have to be given some sort incentive to eat them. "Eat the rest of your green beans, and you can have dessert." Good deal! But what about when there is no dessert? When the kid is posed with a decision free from incentive, what an opportunity to grow in maturity. Someone has truly grown up when they can eat their green beans when there's no dessert, when they can act outside of foreseeing a reward for their actions.

I feel like this is my opportunity to eat my green beans, to cling to God and seek relationship with him, without eating dessert too and feeling the rewarding experience of connecting with God.

Because He trusts me enough to have this experience. He trusts that I'll stay.

I am so honored that He feels He can. And I have never been so blessed to feel so little of God.