Even the best fall down sometimes...

I think I'm just gonna go ahead and tell the story.

I had a retreat a week and a half ago - a young adult retreat up at the camp I worked at all summer. Upon coming home, I found out that my grandma (dad's mom) was in the hospital after a bad tumble down the stairs. Cue a five hour visitation and a devastated Carrie after seeing her gram screaming in pain.

I was NOT ready for that.

We got home around 11 pm and the next thing on the agenda was a 8:30 am flight to Colorado to visit some close friends. It was an intense struggle that night - my grandmother is dying and I'm leaving. How could I do that? But my mom assured me that since my gram was so sedated and drugged up, any goodbye I could give her (besides the I love yous I'd already given) would be for me more than her.

So I went. Our family is based on tough love but I would frequently tell my gram that I loved her anyway. I was at peace knowing that I've been saying that to her all along.

The decision to go was made more for the sake of just making a decision more than thinking about what would be best. I made up my mind that if things got worse, I would come home. Whenever I go to Colorado, it's to breathe, to R & R, to be cared for and to connect with close friends that are far away.

I checked in every day with my parents. Things were steady and it just seemed to be a matter of time.

Thursday, I called the hospital room to talk to gram. She was out of it and had a breathing mask, so it was more like talking "at" her. It was the hardest phone call of my life, but I'm now so blessed by it. When my dad's one of fifteen, there's not much privacy. A phone call is probably the most private words I could give her at that point. I had to brace myself beforehand ("Dad, I'm not ready yet."). But I got to tell her that I loved her - I said it at least three times - that I admire her, that's she's a great woman. All the things I believed about her.

On Friday, the Schultz family (our CO friends) took us to Rocky Mountain National Park. I can't even put words to how amazing and beautiful it was. A perfect day. We took a wrong turn up a one way when going up the Rockies. But it turned out to be good because we found the perfect picnic spot. A clearing by an ice cold creek in the mountains. Gasp.

This is what I thought of it - WOW!

Coldcoldcold!!

If you looked at the right angle, you could see through the trees to another mountain. The pines trees just go up and up and up...

Yup... cloud shadows. Where the trees end is the tundra line - above it the altitude is too high up for most vegetation. Here we're standing at about 11,000 feet.

So we went up and up and up and it was gorgeous and I was feeling the glory of God.

Upon coming down the mountains, we went to a glass blowing shop in the cute little town of Estes. I got a call from my dad and stepped outside. As soon as I heard his voice, I knew. She had passed about 40 minutes prior. She was on DNR, so slipped quietly away. She stopped breathing, but her heart kept stopping and starting for 20 minutes after that. Crazy. That shone true to her character - strong, stubborn, and a fighter.

I was surrounded with love. The people I was with definitely took care of me. It was as perfect an afternoon can be after hearing news like that. We walked down the strip, little 9-year-old Jillian holding my hand. We first went to a jewelry store and I found a necklace that made me think of my gram. Whenever I wear it, I will definitely be reminded of her.

I think my favorite memories of my gram would be when I would bring my hermit crabs over to her house when I visited her. I had only a few one-on-one times with her - the house is usually full of people - so those moments were precious. My gram LOVED my hermit crabs and she was so cute with them. We would chat about everything, mostly her. Her love for animals (that sound familiar?). Her childhood. She was such a rascal - she would find snakes and insects and everything the typical woman hates; and would then put it in her mother's or sister's face. Haha - crazy lady!!

How CUTE is she?