I don't even know where to start - it's been long enough where I have a lot of updates, but feel they are unimportant compared to the underlying condition of my heart and what I am learning. And even that is a heavy topic.
I'm burnt out. And I think the reason spring break and this last weekend (spent in Winnipeg) weren't enough for me to feel completely refreshed and motivated again is because I've never been burnt out like this. I don't think it's a higher level of burn out, just a form manifested from a longer period of time of exhaustion.
These last few years have been so insane. I don't even want to go over it all - I fear I'll fall into complaining.
I've made a lot of decisions in the last few days to take steps back. I'm not used to doing that and I already feel my worth-meter going down. I mean, I honestly don't do that much with my time, but what I've invested in (school, mostly) takes its toll.
I feel like this is choppy. Apologies. You're probably really confused and I don't blame you. I am, too. But, I guess choppy describes what my life is like right now, so maybe it's fitting.
I need my God back. He's here but I'm ... just existing. And I feel like my heart is five years in the future. But I'm physically here. In 2010. Having to go through the motions of what's required of me for the here and now. But all I want to do is grow up and have kids of my own. It feels weird to say that. This desire has never been so strong. Whenever I see mothers, I'm captivated. I want to be them. I've already thought so much about how I would mother, what kind of mom I want to be.
At the same time, this terrifies me because you can't go back. And I plan to make my kids a BIG investment.
But they (whoever "they" are) are my passion right now. I want to calm down. LoL.
I'm all over the place. But I think blogging will help clear some things up. There's so much floating around in my head, maybe putting it out into the world will help things make sense.
What a whirlwind.
1 comment:
Thanks for your honesty You may not be in "higher level burn out", but this could be a warning sign of that happening. Pay attention to your body and your heart.
As I was reading, this verse occurred to me: (Matt: 6:25-34)
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
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