Breathe out.
I don't even know where to start - it's been long enough where I have a lot of updates, but feel they are unimportant compared to the underlying condition of my heart and what I am learning. And even that is a heavy topic.
I'm burnt out. And I think the reason spring break and this last weekend (spent in Winnipeg) weren't enough for me to feel completely refreshed and motivated again is because I've never been burnt out like this. I don't think it's a higher level of burn out, just a form manifested from a longer period of time of exhaustion.
These last few years have been so insane. I don't even want to go over it all - I fear I'll fall into complaining.
I've made a lot of decisions in the last few days to take steps back. I'm not used to doing that and I already feel my worth-meter going down. I mean, I honestly don't do that much with my time, but what I've invested in (school, mostly) takes its toll.
I feel like this is choppy. Apologies. You're probably really confused and I don't blame you. I am, too. But, I guess choppy describes what my life is like right now, so maybe it's fitting.
I need my God back. He's here but I'm ... just existing. And I feel like my heart is five years in the future. But I'm physically here. In 2010. Having to go through the motions of what's required of me for the here and now. But all I want to do is grow up and have kids of my own. It feels weird to say that. This desire has never been so strong. Whenever I see mothers, I'm captivated. I want to be them. I've already thought so much about how I would mother, what kind of mom I want to be.
At the same time, this terrifies me because you can't go back. And I plan to make my kids a BIG investment.
But they (whoever "they" are) are my passion right now. I want to calm down. LoL.
I'm all over the place. But I think blogging will help clear some things up. There's so much floating around in my head, maybe putting it out into the world will help things make sense.
What a whirlwind.
