Raw

I've been inspired to be more raw. I think when we're raw, when we're real about how we are, we realize that we can relate to people more than we thought.

My friend, Beth, just started her own blog. I know her, I would say, pretty well. She's just a really interesting person; and she's told me many of her stories. Her blog is so raw. You immediately know how interesting she is and how abnormal her life is. But you can still relate to her worries.

So ... here I go. Raw.

I've been on the verge of falling apart lately. In class. With friends. It's because I'm terrified for life. I already feel like I'm not measuring up to this crazy ambitious life that's been set before me. But the thing is, I may not be. I know that God uses ordinary people. I'm not that smart, really I'm not, but I'm convinced that I'm called. I think drive and passion can get you further than intelligence (though it is also important). And we all have to remember that God is the one who is able and He is the one who's empowered.

Everyone I talk to about my future advocates research. I'm just ... not into it. I'm a zoologist who doesn't like zoos or research. Ok? I'm looking into research opportunities for this summer and to be honest, I don't really care about the response of fat cells to this and/or that, or the invasive species of Lake Superior. But should I? Even if I can't care, should I grin and bear it for what I think will get me proper credentials? Cuz I don't know what else there is.

Who do wildlife conservation organizations hire? Researchers. Or attorneys. Baha.

I just want to be someone who cares. I don't want to go to grad school because I should. I want to go to grad school because I want to. But as of now, I have little desire to. That's the thing ...

When I walk by a lab, or a classroom full of people, I think competition. It starts to wear on you when you feel like you're competing for your dreams. Especially when it feels like you're the one who's losing. All those people in there are doing better than I am ... crap.

In bible study this week, my friend Emily said something that I needed to hear. We were talking about just being you, and how much you miss out on when you're not.

Imagine that all different kinds of animals are together. Lions, giraffes, dogs, alligators, panda bears, birds ... and a peacock. The peacock is so unique. But if the peacock sees other animals and realizes that it's not like any other creature, it may start to wish it were like the others. How tragic to have a peacock rolling around in sand in order to be more like a lion, or pulling out its long feathers to be more like other, smaller birds.

Basically, be who you are, and I'll try to be who I am, too.