The Adventures of Kernal

Essence and Energies

2012-01-26T16:11:00.000-08:00

Orthodoxy astounds me. I love the Lutheran Church - I grew up in it - but I never really knew much about what it meant to be Lutheran. To this day, I don't know the difference between the Protestant churches. Of no fault but my own, of course.

But I know what it means to be Orthdox. I love this Church which has existed since the Apostles founded it. In a world that seeks to make church more trendy and appealing, which isn't the point, it's refreshing to find a church that is what it is. And is what it's been for 2000 years. And has struggled for the sake of maintaining the integrity of the Church, protecting against heretical thought and the false prophets throughout history. That's biblical, no?

Anyway, the Orthodox Church seeks to know God while respecting His mysteries. Some of us try to explain everything, while others have given up any speculation. Neither of these things is wrong, but there's a balance. The Orthodox Church, though it has records of ecumenical councils and Tradition, isn't afraid to say, "We don't know; it's a mystery."

Glorious.

My husband and I are reading The Orthodox Way by Bishop Kallistos Ware. Most recently, we've read about how knowing God is explained. That sounds strange, yes, but there have always been conflicting ideas. God is huge. Ridiculously huge. How could human minds understand Him? Yet, we are meant to know Him, because what He wants is relationship with us. So how does it work if He's so seemingly and actually incomprehensible?

I'd like to share part of this section with you. Forgive the length. This is what happens when my mind is blown.

To indicate the two "poles" of God's relationship to us - unknown yet well known, hidden yet revealed - the Orthodox tradition draws a distinction between the essence, nature or inner being of God, on the one hand, and His energies, operations or acts of power, on the other.

"He is outside all things according to His essence," writes St. Athanasius, "but He is in all things through His acts of power." "We know the essence through the energy," St. Basil affirms. "No one has ever seen the essences of God, but we believe in the essence because we experience the energy." By the essence of God is meant His otherness, by the energies His nearness ...

... The essence, then, signifies the radical transcendence of God; the energies, His immanence and omnipresence. When Orthodox speak of the divine energies, they do not mean by this an emanation from God, an "intermediary" between God and man, or a "thing" or "gift" that God bestows. On the contrary, the energies are God Himself in His activity and self-manifestation. When a man knows or participates in the divine energies, he truly knows or participates in God Himself, so far as this is possible for a created being. But God is God, and we are human; and so, while He possesses us, we cannot in the same way possess Him.

... [I]t would be equally misleading to regard the energies as a "part" of God. The Godhead is simple and indivisible, and has no parts. The essence signifies the whole God as He is in Himself; the energies signify the whole God as He is in action. God in His entirety is completely present in each of His divine energies. Thus the essence-energies distinction is a way of stating simultaneously that the whole God is inaccessible, and that the whole God in His outgoing love has rendered Himself accessible to man.

By virtue of this distinction between the divine essence and the divine energies, we are able to affirm the possibility of a direct or mystical union between man and God - what the Greek Fathers term the theosis of man, his "deification" - but at the same time we exclude any pantheistic identification between the two: for man participates in the energies of God, not in the essence. There is union, but not fusion or confusion. Although "oned" with the divine, man still remains man; he is not swallowed up or annihilated, but between him and God there continues always to exist an "I-Thou" relationship of person to person.

Such, then, is our God: unknowable in His essence, yet known in His energies; beyond and above all that we can think or express, yet closer to us than our own heart. Through the apophatic way we smash in pieces all the idols or mental images that we form of Him, for we know that all are unworthy of His surpassing greatness. Yet at the same time, through our prayer and through our active service in the world, we discover at every moment His divine energies, His immediate presence in each person and each thing. Daily, hourly we touch Him. We are, as Francis Thompson said, "in no strange land." All around us is the "many splendored thing" ...

Orthodoxy and Orthodoxy

2012-01-10T22:28:00.000-08:00

I just read a fantastic book. And the interesting thing is that the author so happens to be my aunt now. She's my husband's mother's brother's wife (...'s cousin's great-aunt's former roommate ...), Maria Poggi Johnson. She lives midst an Orthodox Jewish community in Scranton, PA. Her book on what she's learned is Strangers and Neighbors. Unfortunately, I haven't yet been able to meet this new aunt of mine and her family, but I'm sure they would have story upon story.

I for one misunderstood the world of Orthodox Judaism. My husband and I are Orthodox Christians, and I still understood it to be an entirely different approach to faith. Granted, there are large differences between Judaism and Christianity (oh hey there, Jesus), but Maria laid out how much we can learn from them. I still believe that Orthodox Judaism and Orthodox Christianity are pretty dissimilar, but the hearts we have behind our disciplines are closer than I thought. These Jews actually make me feel pretty lazy. While we have disciplines, such as prayer and fasting, and we each honor the Sabbath in our own way, Orthodox Jews take the law literally and to heart in observing its specific rules and regulations. But, like those in the Orthodox Church, the benefits are meaningful. They bring us closer to God and understanding His very nature. They bring us closer to ourselves and what we were made to be.

My favorite chapter in Maria's book is the 4th one. She discusses the holiness, the set-apartness of the Orthodox Jewish people. Even as adults, we all try to fit in, conform to what it is that people are doing. I think we have an underlying fear of exposure. Blending in is easier. The Orthodox understand they are different, but that is not their curse; it's their calling. They are meant to stand out, to be God's people and to be known as such. What an amazing call to receive with fervency and with so much joy.

I highly recommend this book, for each chapter is just as good. And there's a lot we all can learn, no matter what our faith.

Preparation is Not so Exciting.

2012-01-05T22:09:00.000-08:00

I let blogging become daunting. By pretending I need to write epically. About great lessons I'm learning and adventures I'm having. This blog is titled for adventure anyway. But there's something beautiful in the subtle, too, I guess.

And I'm thankful for the normal tidbits of life. The first month of my marriage involved a lot of moving around. We stayed home, in Minneapolis, the first few days, to spend time with family, as our move to Japan was imminent. Then it was off to Madison to visit our sister (I claim her now, too). Then a mere 7 days after our wedding, we flew off to Newport, Rhode Island for three-week Navy training, Surface Warfare Officer (SWO) school. In those three weeks, we spent both weekends in Boston, scurrying around, and shoving as much into two weekends as a couple of passionate people can.

Then we finally arrived in Japan. And by then we were both exhausted. Ready to settle down, stay in one spot, live in a place you can call home. Even then, there were endless places to explore, as Japan is a culture chocked full of history and distinction, and our peninsula is riddled with beaches and coffee shops and yakiniku stands and shrines and a giant Buddha. Oh, and Tokyo's just around the bend. Don't even get me started on how giant that metropolis is.

I guess you could say, though I thrive on excitement and thirst for adventure, I now appreciate a little differently those norms in our lives. Those doing-laundry, feeding-the-cat, making-lunch days. So I'm going to tell you about my latest project. You see, I find little necessity to find work out here. My heart lies with wildlife, African in particular. So I'm trying to fill my time wisely. I want to be inspired. And I want to be ready for the future. I still want to work on safari, and it's inching closer. It won't happen for another 4-5 years, of course, but I refuse to compromise this dream that lays so heavy on my heart to wasted time. That would be silly.

My goal is to learn as much information as I can about African wildlife before venturing to train there. On my own, I can't learn everything I'll need - first aid, how to fire a rifle, how to approach megafauna, how to camp ... But I can learn wildlife identification. And I can learn their ecology and behavior, too.

So our office has been transformed. The wallpaper now consists of photos of antelope, giraffe, and, as of today, hippopotamuses. I have made flash cards to quiz myself. Yes, this is actually true. Like a 7th grader would do ;)

But it's fascinating. I've learned that there's actually a deer in Africa. A deer. In a small blip in Northern Tunisia. Nothing else in Africa has antlers. I've learned there's a thing called a chevrotain, and that most hooved animals (ungulates) are ruminants (cud chewers). Even giraffes. I've been a bit disgusted to discover the giant forest hog. I thought I'd seen a lot. I've experienced bush babies and vervet monkeys and the African lion and hippopotamuses and the common warthog and wild dogs and, for a split second, a serval. But I am yet again mind blown by the animal kingdom. The vastness of it can't be covered. We know so little, and while I'm thankful for the wild places still out there, I'm also thankful we try to discover hidden treasures like these.

I hope you visit me on safari someday. Plan for 2017. I think I'll be ready by then.

She Floats, But Do I?

2011-12-07T14:39:00.000-08:00

My husband adopted a cat before I came out to Japan. His name is Lord Byron, and I know we have him because of me. So the house won't feel so empty when Curt is underway. But I have a feeling this cat is going to, at times, drive me insane. He just spent 3 minutes at my side meowing into my ear. And this cat has no subtle meow.

It makes me realize even more that love does hurt. A cat is not enough. Sam from Love Actually was right. There is something agonizing about being in love. Because the more you love, the more you have to lose. And the more absence hurts. Marriage is no solve-all, my friends, and thank God I wasn't looking for one when I got married. It's actually a tough road that beckons your commitment to a fierce relationship requiring your heart and your selflessness. And if you build a crappy marriage, you have to deal with mending it, or just maintaining it, I guess. If you build a great marriage, you've given yourself a lot to lose. And that's scary. Because maybe you will someday.

But hey, love is risky. As it should be. And just as painful as it is rewarding.

There's something heavy that lies in the unknown. In the Navy, we face an uncertainty of when he (or she) will be gone. For how long. And when they're coming back. And for how long. It's been a blessing that Curt's ship has been docked for our first few months out here. I've been able to adapt to an overseas station with my husband. Most spouses aren't so lucky. But the Shiloh is warming up her joints and stretching our her back. She's soon ready to go out and taste that salty water.

As I sit here and sigh in the face of reality, I somehow feel like not talking about it. I'm not sure I've ever felt this feeling before. LoL. Separation is imminent, but I'm breathing in slow realization and preparation. Quiet preparation. Quiet confusion. Of what to do. Of how to deal. Or how to let it teach me.

When I'm in our 3-story, small Japanese house, I am just a person in a building. When Curt's here too, it's our home.

I'm about to learn a lot, struggle a lot, and probably change a lot. So here's to hope, here's to God, and His desire to burn away the chaff. Here's to a better me, a refined character, and a heart that keeps beating.

Welcome Back, G-Dub.

2011-11-21T21:05:00.000-08:00

Today base is bustling. The commissary is twice as busy as it usually is, and will probably soon have empty shelves. There are men and women walking around in dress uniform. And there's just something in the air. Today, the USS George Washington pulled into port. It's been underway in various parts of the Pacific since I got here two months ago. The GW is the one and only aircraft carrier stationed at Yokosuka Naval Base. I saw it when I visited my husband in Japan in August, and I was amazed at the large hunk of metal before me. That thing is giant. And astounding. How something that big and heavy floats in water is beyond me.

Anyway, that's not the point.

There are families walking around base today. Members of the GW crew with their wives and children, just walking around and enjoying reunion. Soaking it in. Families in the military don't have the easiest lives, but it's the moments like that, when you see your husband's face for the first time in months, that keep us going. And all of base shares in your joy. Since moving to Japan, I haven't had to see my husband go underway, but I'll definitely remember today when he does. We military wives (and husbands) don't sign up for this. However, we can take pride in the honor of this calling, and joy in looking ahead to reunion. After all, it's all worth it.

Draw Me a Sheep.

2011-11-05T02:55:00.000-07:00

I’ve been bogged down lately. I’m usually pretty enthusiastic about journaling, about getting my thoughts down on paper. I guess you could say I’m old fashioned. ;) And I also typically love to blog. I always have something to say. And you’d think that would be true especially now.

But I think I just wanted to think simple thoughts for a bit. As we grow up our thoughts, ideas, wonderings become so profound and complex. I guess you could say that’s an evolution, but sometimes, I just need simple wit to make me smile. Period.

I didn’t intend to read The Little Prince again, but something brought me back to it. Man, I love that book. It’s clever and simple and creative. It also made me laugh out loud in Starbucks. Yup, I’m now that girl. It’s interesting, because Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote this book at the end of his life. You’d think what he expressed through his characters would be deep, enriched. Maybe he found something more important out there in that desert ...

{oooh left you hanging so that maybe you’ll read it for yourself}

So I guess I’m not going to say anything profound this time. But just give the world a reminder of The Little Prince in it’s plainness. Here are my favorite bits.

‘Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is exhausting for children to have to provide explanations over and over again.’

‘I have spent lots of time with grown-ups. I have seem them at close range ... which hasn’t much improved my opinion of them.’

‘[Upon discovering the only rose he sees isn’t the only one at all] You’re not at all like my rose. You’re nothing at all yet. No one has tamed you and you haven’t tamed anyone. You’re the way my fox was. He was just a fox like a hundred thousand others. But I’ve made him my friend, and now he’s the only fox in all the world.‘ And the roses were humbled.

[The fox] ‘Here is my secret: One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.’

[The fox, again] ‘It’s the time you spent on your rose that makes your rose so important.’

{Reminds me of the idea that man loves most what he has worked for.}

‘Only the children know what they are looking for.’

‘You risk tears if you get yourself tamed [in this sense, meaning attached, tied to another].’

2011-09-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

Wowza! It has been forever and a day since I last posted. April? Really? I've been thinking about this lately, but have shied away from it because a ridiculously amount of stuff has happened in my life.

I don't know if I can even call myself Kernal anymore. I'm actually a Gaynor now! I guess you could call this blog The Adventures of Gaynors (ha - not quite the same ring) since life is only getting more exciting from here. Curt and I got married a measly 25 days ago. Since then, we've scurried around Minneapolis, spent a weekend in Madison, and set up camp in Newport, RI for a three-week Navy school. We travelled both of the weekends we've been on the East Coast to Boston. If that's not enough moving around for you, I start the 26-hour journey to Yokosuka, Japan tomorrow morning. This is our current station, where we have a small three-story Japanese house a block off-base and a very loud adult cat named Lord Byron. What a life. It's no wonder I'm anxious to get there and make a life for us. And to see what "normal" married life is like.

So as life settles down, I hope to post more often. So stay tuned, but knowing me, don't hold your breath.

(for the record, I will still hold true to the Kernal name; especially since my husband still calls me CK. I'm not the only one this name transition is weird for ;)

Father, Son, Spirit.

2011-04-13T13:05:00.000-07:00

My venture into Orthodoxy has often left me wondering about things I thought I had a handle on. When you first become a Christian, you start to learn about the basics - Creation, Christ’s death and resurrection, etc. I thought I was set on these. Not necessarily that I understood them fully, just as much as I could. Of course I let the mystery that is God be what it is. But I could, with confidence, put a word or two to these basics to try to explain them.

Now I feel like Orthodoxy is ripping things open to go deeper and hashing out more than I ever thought I could understand. Confused? Me too. And the topic of the day is the Trinity. Lord Almighty. I always knew it was touchy, and not really something that would ever cease blowing my mind. Growing up, I was a Lutheran, and we never looked into the idea of the Trinity much. So when people try to explain it, I realize what a fine line exists.

Get this:

“One essence in three persons. God is one and God is three: the Holy Trinity is a mystery of unity in diversity, and of diversity in unity. Father, Son, and Spirit are ‘one in essence’ (homo-ousios), yet each is distinguished from the other two by personal characteristics. ‘The divine is indivisible in its divisions’ (Gregory of Nazianzus, Orations), for the persons are ‘united yet not confused, distinct yet not divided’ (John of Damascus, On the Orthodox Faith); ‘both the distinction and the union alike are paradoxical’ (Gregory of Nazianzus, Orations).”

But how do they relate to each other? Apparently, the Father is the source, the origin, and the Son is begotten from the Father. The Son is equal to the Father and coeternal with Him, but is not sourceless like the Father. The Spirit also has a source in the Father, but has a different relationship than that of Son and Father. The Spirit proceeds from the Father.

This was a big source of trouble for the Church and disagreement on it, in part, led to the division between the western (Catholic) Church and eastern (Orthodox) Church. It manifests in what’s called the Filioque. Yup, three little words that the western Church added to the nicene creed.

In Orthodoxy, you’ll hear: “And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the Giver of Life, who proceeds from the Father, who with the Father and the Son together is worshipped and glorified, who spake through the prophets.” [see John 15:26]

In Catholicism, you’ll hear: “And I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the Giver of Life, who proceeds from the Father and the Son, who with the Father and Son together is worshipped and glorified, who spake through the prophets.”

Small difference, hey? That’s what I thought!

Oh my mind is so small.

I won’t get into this right now, but it just helps you realize how much of a fine line knowing and understanding God is. I like this and I hate it. I like it because the Truth of God should be specific. God isn’t about to change, and His Truth is fine-tuned to who He is. It won’t change for anything. I’m not even convinced it can.

But I hate it because I feel like at any point I can become a heretic. His nature is specific; this point of God’s essence is indeed a point. But then, how do we hit it? It’s ironic that I’m sitting next to a dart board right now. God is like the bulls eye; and He isn’t about to move. He shouldn’t. But I feel like I’m three apartments down trying to whip darts and hit God. Seems impossible.

There was a heretic in the third century, Sabellius, who said that Father, Son and Spirit weren’t three distinct persons, but simply different ‘modes’ or ‘aspects’ of one deity. How is that different from the idea of three in one? When I think of God as three distinct persons in one essence, it sounds very similar to me as three modes of a single being. The more I think about it, the more I get it, which is comforting. But still, how do we stay in the careful balance of acknowledging the three-person nature of God without beginning to sound like a tritheist?

The ability to easily misunderstand God is, I know, allowed. And I know that God is ever-patient and gracious. I guess this post is incomplete in that I can offer no answers or remedies. I can only continually realize that I am utterly small, and though God makes Himself known, it takes forever to understand Him. It’s a good thing I have that long.

Trading a lie for the Truth

2011-04-08T14:05:00.000-07:00

I get monthly e-mail newsletters from the church I attend out here in Madison. Good for information and to keep updated, but I never really took the time to read the reflections before. I did this time around and it floored me. Take a peek:

St. Nikolai Velimirovic

On the Purpose of Self-Denial

{crazy emphasis added by Carrie Kern}

The first man, Adam, also denied himself when he fell into sin, but he denied his real, true self. Seeking from men that they deny themselves, the Lord seeks that they deny their false selves. Put more simply: Adam denied the Truth, and clave to a lie; now the Lord seeks of Adam’s descendants that they deny the lie that cleave once more to the Truth from which they had fallen away. Therefore, to deny oneself means to deny the deceitful non-being that has been imposed on us in place of our God-given being. We must deny the earthboundness that has, for us, replaced spirituality, and the passions that have replaced good works; the servile fear that has darkened in us our sonship of God and the grumbling against God that has killed within the spirit of obedience to Him. We must deny evil thoughts, evil desires and evil deeds. We must deny the idolatrous worship of nature and our body. In brief: we must deny all that we reckon is “me”, but is in reality not us but the devil and sin, corruption, illusion and death. Oh, let us deny the evil habits that have become second nature to us; let us deny this “second nature”, for it is not our nature as God created it, but an accumulated and hardened illusion and self-delusion in ourselves - a hypocritical lie that goes by our name, and we by its ... For, by this [self-denial], the old, animal-like man in us is put to death, and the new man, made in God’s image and immortal, is raised to life. As the Apostle says: “Our old man is crucified,” and explains at once why: “that we should not serve sin” (Romans 6:6)... [And by this self-denial] we shall find our strength in Him our courage and our consolation. He will be to us light on a dark path, health in sickness, a companion in loneliness, joy in suffering and riches in want. A lamp is left burning all night in a sick-room, and in the night of this life, Christ’s inextinguishable light is needed, to ease our pain and keep alive our hope in the dawning of day.

Doesn’t it make you ask the question, who am I really? What am I like in essence? What is this full self of mine?

I’m an expert at asking questions that can’t really be answered. I’ll just put that out into the universe and let it sit. But that sure is mind-blowing.

Oh There's More

2011-03-14T20:49:00.000-07:00

I’m reading a book to learn more about the Orthodox Church. I’ve been attending on and off for about a year, depending on when I’m in the country and when I’m not borderline freaked out by how different Orthodoxy is from any other Christian experience I’ve ever had. I expected this book to be mostly historical - about what was discussed at ecumenical councils, the crusades, etc. And granted, these things are discussed. But the heavy, intense, mind-blowing, deeper-than-I’ve-ever-thought-possible theology of many of these councils is also brought up. One thing I absolutely love about Orthodoxy is that I experience the Christian thought that’s been going on for 2000 years. It feels more linear than protestantism - and don’t get me wrong, I grew up Lutheran, but an older Church with a longer period of trying to figure this whole church thing out opens you up to a little more. Though I’m a deep thinker - there’s always a question or seven in my head, which lead to a question or seven more - by pursuing Orthodoxy, I’m being opened to mind-blowing things I never even thought about. The Orthodox have thought long and hard about who God is, and it astounds me.

Bear with me. I know nothing. So this post will probably be choppy.

Fourteenth century. The seven main ecumenical councils (a bunch of bishops getting together to discuss the Trinity or the nature Christ or the use of icons, etc. in order to avoid heretical thought in the Church) have come and gone, but the ideas are still being applied in new ways centuries later. Barlaam the Calabrian professed that we can only know God indirectly, that the immediate experience of God is impossible in this present life. I’m trying to avoid overwhelming detail here, but Barlaam met a crazy dialogue with St. Gregory Palamas (really awesome Greek hermit monk and then Archbishop of Thessalonica), who disagreed wholeheartedly with him by explaining that we know the energies of God, but not his essence, an idea that comes from St. Basil. From here, I think I’ll let the book speak for itself ...

“‘God is not a nature,’ [Gregory] wrote, ‘for He is above all nature; He is not a being, for He is above all beings ... no single thing of all that is created has or ever will have even the slightest communion with the supreme nature or nearness to it.’ But however remote from us in His essence, yet in His energies God has revealed Himself to us. These energies are not something that exists apart from God, not a gift which God confers upon humans; they are God Himself in His action and revelation to the world. God exists complete and entire in each of His divine energies. The world, as Gerard Manley Hopkins said, is charged with the grandeur of God; all creation is a gigantic Burning Bush, permeated but not consumed by the ineffable and wondrous fire of God’s energies.

It is through these energies that God enters into a direct and immediate relationship with humankind. In relation to us humans, the divine energy is in fact nothing else than the grace of God; grace is not just a ‘gift’ from God, not just an object which God bestows on humans, but a direct manifestation of the living God Himself, a personal encounter between creature and Creator. ‘Grace signifies all the abundance of the divine nature, in so far as it is communicated to men.’ When we say that the saints have been transformed or ‘deified’ by the grace of God, what we mean is that they have a direct experience of God Himself. They know God - that is to say, God in His energies, not in His essence.”

I don’t know if that blows your mind in any way. But it sure blows mine to even think about God’s energies permeating everything and the world as being a Burning Bush of God Himself. Even try to picture that ...

It seems like many heretics in history have made the gulf between us and God too wide. And this is where Truth comes in; it is here to “safeguard our direct approach to God, to uphold our full deification and entire redemption.”

I have in the last year felt humbled by the Holiness of God. I have even let it go too far - to the point where I feel unable to approach God. At all times. But I need to remember that in all these things I’m learn and in all these ways I’m growing, there is an opportunity for direct experience with God’s energies, that I too can be a Burning Bush, a wondrous fire of God’s energies.

Wow.

Reminiscing

2011-03-07T17:24:00.001-08:00

The program I participated in last semester, the School for Field Studies, just posted a promotional video of our Center Director, Moses Okello. I want to share it because it's a perfect four-and-a-half minute depiction of what we did last semester, and a mere but representative glimpse into our experience. Dr. Okello was our backbone last semester. As center director, he wasn't able to be around very much. But he did all he could to enthuse us about wildlife management and experiencing East African culture. He even inspired us to have a goat slaughter and roast, and of course, for the guys to participate in male bonding by eating goat testicles. You can only imagine how interesting this Moses Okello is.

Anyway, check it out the video here.

Sincerity

2011-03-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

I started my second job tonight. We opened Tanner's Bar & Grill in Middleton, Wisconsin. Going into it, I thought it would be terrifying. Receiving the menu yesterday and having only 4 hours of training, which mostly involved cleaning, under my belt, I thought it would be a nightmare of now knowing what I was doing. I don't know if you've ever had to memorize a menu before, but it's difficult.

I learned a lot tonight.

Oh it definitely was chaos. Tonight was our soft opening, so we offered free food and the drink profit will go to the American Red Cross. Yeh. Free food and good drinks. It was insanity. The food took forever because our kitchen was so backed up. I mean, why get two appetizers when you can try four for free?! So people had to wait for their food. We were a bit sloppy, unorganized, and we definitely tripped over our feet.

But people liked us.

One of my tables was of four guys. They ordered 4 entrees, an appetizer, and 8 beers. The food took an eternity. I felt awful. But when I got my tip, they gave me 25%. I was shocked. What did I learn? Sincerity matters. The beauty of life is that you don't have to be perfect. You can mess up and make mistakes constantly, but people will take you as you are if you're sincere, if you are genuine. If I had given them great, speedy food, but was a crabapple, I wouldn't have received 25%. Not a chance. But I apologized probably 25 times because I really was sorry. And instead of hide the disorganization (although it was pretty obvious) and owning up to it, it was owned up to.

I guess my encouragement is to be sincere. Don't hide your mistakes or the places you're imperfect. Own up to them and you may find that people take you as you are, and that is far more beautiful than trying to appear put together.

My other encouragement is for you to come out to Tanner's. Wednesday, Thursday, come get free food. We're starting a limited menu tomorrow (we learned our lesson and will not back up our kitchen like we did tonight!), but food is free and drink profit goes to the American Red Cross Badger Chapter. You won't regret it, friends.

Be Ye Perfect.

2011-02-15T13:59:00.000-08:00

My mind is blown. I feel numb. And my heart is doing some sort of fluttering thing inside my chest.

C.S. Lewis is getting intense. Throughout reading the last section of Mere Christianity, all I’m thinking is, Frick God, what do you want from me? When He says He wants all of me, I don’t understand. How? How do I do that?? How does this work??

Yeah, pretty resistant.

God said that we should become perfect. And apparently, He meant it. That’s actually scary. Lewis interprets this as, “The only help I will give is to help to become perfect. You may want something less: but I will give you nothing less.”

God is crazy.

“Make no mistake. If you let Me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death [Interjection: I assume Lewis is referring to purgatory?], whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, until you are literally perfect - until My Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with Me. This I can and will do. But I will not do anything less.”

BLAH!

Ok so it’s in God’s power and will to do this - and I need not get myself to perfection. By surrendering everything, God’s way can be made to make me more like Himself. But I can’t wrap my head around what this means for good gifts. It seems all take, all you do is give to God, which actually seems worth it because He’ll give you Himself and make you perfect. What is better than that? But how do good gifts come into play? How can I accept marriage, children, a good family, health, etc. when receiving anything but a new heart doesn’t seem like part of this equation. It may make sense to you, and as I’m typing this I feel like it’s a no-brainer and should make sense to me, too. Well, it doesn’t.

...

I was reading Romans 12 as well earlier today:

I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all He has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice - the kind He will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship Him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person [a perfect person?] by changing the way that you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect (v. 1-2, NLT).

And then Paul goes on to command morality, to inspire people of virtue:

- Be humble (v. 3)

- Do well what you’re good at (v. 6-8)

- Love people sincerely (v. 9-10)

- Work hard (v. 11)

- Be patient (v. 12)

- Be generous and hospitable (v. 13)

- Be at peace with people (v. 16)

- Avoid revenge (v. 17-19)

- Do good (v. 21)

Is that God’s full and complete will for us? To be moral people? To be perfect? I haven’t been able to shake the idea in my head of a blueprint - go here, do this, etc. Does God work specifics like that? Or does He make us who are and establish guidance to be virtuous, and then give us creativity to take steps in life on our own? Is it - go here, do this - or - be good, love people, figure out the rest based on that ... ?

I always though of free will in this sense - the creativity to figure out one’s own life. But maybe it’s simply (and only) the power to choose (or not choose) life with God. If He takes all of us - does it mean we surrender that creativity too?

I think I’m always asking myself, what kind of meaningful life work am I going to have? But I need a mental shift that fosters other questions. What can You use me for? How can I glorify You? How can I become less? What kind of meaningful work can You do with my life?

This is heavy stuff.

“We may be content to remain what we call ‘ordinary people’: but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan [to bring us beyond the ordinary and into perfection]. To shrink back from that plan is not humility: it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania: it is obedience.”

BAM. And that is what life is about. The relationship we have with God which entails our trying and trying again, day in and out, to give up, surrender, forgo rights to ourselves, that God would make us perfect, like Himself, complete creatures who are brought back to what the Creator intended.

Thoughts?

2011-02-13T15:54:00.000-08:00

I haven’t blogged in over two months. Last time I posted, I was in a rush about to leave Kilimanjaro Bush Camp for Nairobi to catch a plane to Athens, Greece the next day. Phew a lot has happened.

So the nutshell! I flew to Greece, got engaged (:D), got stuck in London, finally flew home, had Christmas, went to camp, saw friends, moved back to Madison, have two jobs now. Oh, and I graduated. Oh, and I’m getting married.

See why the nutshell is all I can handle to tell you?

But wow, God. WOW GOD. He is challenging me in ways I can’t even describe. I’m finally opening up to Him again and although I’m still not in tune with Him and can’t understand Him as I used to, I’m getting to know Him again. I’ve had moments of sorrow and moments of utter joy. I’ve sat and heard nothing. I’ve sat and heard too much. I’ve been spiritually attacked and I’ve learned of my own (Christ-given) authority. I’ve have been over- and underwhelmed. I have been confused. Well, most of the time I’m confused. But my life in the Lord has become so dynamic.

I’m reading Mere Christianity. Clive! You blow me away! Highly recommend. Anyway. Today, I was reading his answer to the question, Is Christianity hard or easy? His answer is both. But I’m not going to get into that. I’m simply going to offer how he sums up what Christ asks of us.

“The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, ‘Give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have no come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. I don’t want to drill the tooth, or crown it, or stop it, but to have it out. Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked - the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’”

Guh. Munch on that one.

Closing Time

2010-12-10T23:50:00.000-08:00

12.11.10

It’s over! We are about to leave Kilimanjaro Bush Camp for Nairobi. I will fly out tomorrow to spend the week in Greece. And then I’ll be home.

I’ll write later about our community presentations and how the semester wrapped up, but for now my concern is getting myself around the world!

Re-entry. Oof. I am so excited to see all of you. But unsure of how I’ll react to being home. All I ask is that you’re patient with me. Coming back home is not easy when you’ve been to a developing country. So it’ll be a process. Nonetheless, I am beyond excited to tell you all my stories and to hear yours.

I’ll see you all soon!

Shakin' in my Boots

2010-12-03T00:48:00.000-08:00

12.03.10

An Emerson quote helped me come here. I was pretty scared to study abroad in East Africa. There were times I was terrified. I was scared of being overwhelmed by this program, by not being good enough for it. I was scared of finding that the other students were genius scientists who would intimidate me. I was scared of not having time to truly prepare myself for leaving, and being caught up in a wave of culture shock.

“Always do what you are afraid of.”

So I came, of course. Despite feeling unprepared and apprehensive of the unknown. And I found that, in part, my fears were realized.

I am overwhelmed. I’m not enough to solve wildlife management problems. But that’s true for everyone. We are all striving to find solutions. And heck, to even fully understand the issues. But they are huge. They involve immense tension between wildlife and people in a mess that makes you feel like you can’t possibly please both sides. I’m not the only one to be humbled by East African wildlife management.

And these students are brilliant. But not in the ways I expected. They are personable, and they think about spirituality and world issues and how to be a good community. They’re real people. Go figure. And they’re so intelligent. In ways that aren’t stuffy and superior. They can articulate their knowledge in ways that make sense to the world. Wow. And they don’t intimidate me, thank God. They inspire me.

And I’m always shocked. I’m shocked right now. But it’s something I can handle. I fly out of Kenya in 9 days. And the weeks following that will be quite an adventure in itself. Life is shocking, isn’t it?

My scare right now is DR! Directed Research. It seems huge. And impossible. And beyond my capabilities. But I’m a research trainee, dang it. And although these next few days of write up and presentations terrify me, I am allowed to make mistakes and not know everything. I’m allowed to be scared of it. But I’m obligated to breathe, think, and work through the very thing that makes me afraid.

Not All Fun and Games

2010-11-24T10:30:00.000-08:00

11.24.10

Day 5 in the field

My day wasn’t very exciting, but other teams in my group had some craziness.

The team that calls themselves Ay Bay Bay (baha - if only you could hear our advisor attempt to say that) had to stop their transects due to being surrounded by elephants. They were trying to go around the first herd they saw, but kept running into other groups! The elephants were pretty on edge ... because there was an elephant carcass in the area. Ay Bay Bay could only smell it and ran into scouts who confirmed the death was due to poaching.

Crazy. And so unsettling.

Another team, the Kilimonsters (ha ha) ran into the carcass. Exhale. It had been poached last week, so it was somewhat decayed, but it was further along in the face - in other words, the tusks had been taken.

This is one of those things that just silences me. I have nothing more to say because I don’t have solutions and I don’t know what more to say about the issue itself. I am just silenced. Because it is that upsetting.

Not Your Typical Office

2010-11-23T08:57:00.000-08:00

11.22.10

Yesterday, we had a much-needed day off! We went to Kimana Wildlife Sanctuary, one of the places my research group had worked this week. I decided to go even though I had seen wildlife there during my work because we were planning to go see their LIONS! KWS takes care of four lionesses and 1 male lion (named Boy) whose parents were lost to retaliatory killing (pastoralists kill lions who hunt their livestock). They’re kept in enclosures, but KWS hopes to eventually release them in Tsavo National Park.

They were amazing. And they were angsty because they were about to be fed. The male just kept pacing back and forth and rubbing himself on the fence (which allowed me to touch him, woohoo!). The officers slaughter a goat and give each of the five lions a portion. They don’t allow the lions to hunt the goat because one would make the kill and then dominate the meat.

They first brought a goat head and leg to Boy. The lions were going nuts. Crazy. Roaring and grumbling. Gimme food! The meat is put in smaller enclosures, and the lion accesses it once a door is pulled back. As the officer was putting the meat in, Boy jumped up on the fence and ROARED at him. Phew! When he was allowed in, he hurried to the goat, but then stood over it. I’m not sure why, but my best guess is to claim it. He has no competition because he’s kept separate from the females, so he can take his time.

Watching him eat was so intriguing. Bones crunching. Meat tearing. Boy’s wrinkled nose. He ate every last ounce, bones and all.

The females were more vicious in receiving their meat. As the meal was put into the enclosure, they were winding in and out of each other as they paced back and forth, their eyes never leaving the meat. They darted in as fast as they could until each of them got a healthy portion.

It was amazing.

11.23.10

Day 5 in the field.

Today was definitely the most hard core day in the field. Unfortunately, it also means that it was the most exhausting and dangerous. We worked in Elerai Rupet Wildlife Sanctuary, and it’s a beast. It’s 52 square kilometers and full of shrub grassland. In our section, I was up to my waist and sometimes my chest in grass. We had to battle thorns upon thorns upon thorns. The worst was all the way in on the back of my knee, about a centimeter. Mmm, fun.

I also fell in a few holes. They were actually pretty hilarious, the things we were having to deal with. But in the back of my mind, I was pretty concerned over snakes. Tall grass is all too perfect. Yikes. At one point, I looked to my left about two feet and saw a reptilian tail slide into the grass. I have no idea what kind of snake it was, or if it’s venomous. Eek!

Other than the scary stuff, we saw 8 giraffe, 4 elephants, 4 impala, and a LOT of Kilimanjaro. Yeh, I worked under Kili today and it took my breath several times.

Oh hey there, Elephant ...

2010-11-20T11:49:00.000-08:00

11.20.10

Day 3 in the Field (snippets)

Elephants. Hundred meters from us. They were stunning.

Hilarities:

[To our KWS guard]

Me: “Raymond, what’s your favorite animal?”

Raymond: “For seeing or for eating?”

We found a manyatta (traditional Maasai home) and the kids started running to me because I was jumping and playing with them from a distance. But when Raymond (benevolent, but wearing full camouflage and carrying a rifle) happened to come out from behind a tree, they turned and ran in terror. Baha.

Many crazy stories from Raymond - including being chased by elephants and buffalos and shoot outs with poachers.

Raymond and our local guide, Joel, helped us make a flag representing our power ranger colors - yellow and pink.

Me = sunburnt

Many dung beetles rolling, well, dung. One of the coolest thing I’ve ever seen.

Day off tomorrow! Sleeeeeep.

"Even Zebras can kick you to death if they're angry"

2010-11-19T07:33:00.000-08:00

11.19.10

Day two of fieldwork.

Today we started our animal counts/transects. We used the map we generated yesterday to plot blocks for our four groups to cover. My group, Chui Wadogo (“Little “Leopards”), is composed of myself, another student, Jackie, a local guide, and an armed KWS ranger. Our goal was to view and log wildlife in at least 30% of Kimana Wildlife Sanctuary.

It was exhausting, but so good! I walked over 9 kilometers today, but had quite an adventure. For reasons I won’t get into, we had to plot the exact location of every herd we saw - aka, we had to walk toward wildlife. It felt soooo amazing to be so close. We chased zebra, Grant’s gazelle, and Thomson’s gazelle. We did this until we stumbled upon an angry wildebeest. See, we have to be pretty aware out there because we want to piss off anything that can hurt us. I barely noticed the wildebeest because it was positioned straight at us and was narrow. It was grunting and turning and freaking out. So needless to say, we didn’t go any nearer and got out of there asap.

Another group ran into buffalo, which is one of the biggest dangers in the field. They like to hide from the sun (and in turn, hide from you) and are really skittish. When they’re startled, they charge. So safe distances and awareness are key. We’ve found a way to log locations of these animals without having to walk to them.

Tomorrow we go to Kili Tome Wildlife Sanctuary!

Walkin' on Kimana

2010-11-18T04:18:00.000-08:00

11.18.10

Day 1 of fieldwork!

I love my life. Today was such a good day, and I’m on fire for how exciting this is going to be.

The goal of day 1 was to map Kimana Wildlife Sanctuary. We are the first to be allowed to research there, so there aren’t any maps or grids about what’s inside. This area of land is about 46 square kilometers, and is situated with other sanctuaries to support wildlife corridors (where wildlife disperses from national parks during the wet season). So Kimana Wildlife Sanctuary forms a sort of line of land with other sanctuaries so that wildlife have somewhere to go from the national parks.

We’ve split into four groups of 2-3 students to complete field work. Today, each group was dropped off at some point on the sanctuary boundary with a local guide (who knew the boundary well enough to lead us around it), an armed KWS guard (to protect us from elephants, etc), and a GPS! We mapped coordinates with the GPS as we walked the boundary, and composed a map based on these points.

Working with four groups made the work go pretty fast, but I must say, we had an exciting day. Besides seeing wildlife (elephants, zebra, waterbuck, Grant’s gazelles, impala, warthogs), we got stuck in our land cruiser. It was crazy. Our advisor, Shem (renamed “Chui Kubwa” - “Big Leopard”), was driving and soon as he hit a big mud pit, he realized and said, “Ooooh, I’ve made a blunder.” Bahaha. We were tilted in this pit of mud, which was entirely engulfing one of our rear tires. To get out, we had to be towed with our other vehicle and commission all of our guards to push. The hole that was left behind was about two and a half feet deep. Kinda crazy!

I’m very excited to be so close to wildlife. It feels like we’re taking an 8-day walking safari, and happened to be taking notes. We’ll start transects and animal counts tomorrow!

Directed Research!

2010-11-17T04:51:00.001-08:00

11.16.10

We’re onto the final leg of the semester! We finished up our exams a few days ago and have begun to focus on Directed Research (DR) projects, which is basically the pinnacle of our semester here.

We have three DRs reflecting each of our main courses - Wildlife Ecology, Wildlife Management, and Environmental Policy. I’m in a group of ten students who will be doing research in Wildlife Management, studying the viability of the wildlife sanctuaries in our area. Our question is this: What is the relevance and contribution of communal and privately owned conservation areas to conservation space and range for large mammals in the Amboseli Ecosystem? We’ll write a proposal, analyze the data we collect, write papers as individuals, and do a group presentation for the community at the end of the semester.

We start eight days of data collection tomorrow. We’ll do transects and wildlife/livestock counts throughout 5 wildlife sanctuaries in order to assess the overlap between wildlife and pastoralists and their livestock. Basically, we want to know how much potential there is for competition between these two groups - will wildlife be able to use wildlife sanctuaries in the way they need to? Or will it have to compete with livestock for much-needed resources?

Woohoo!

Still Alive!

2010-11-12T00:05:00.000-08:00

11.12.10

This last week we spent in Tsavo West National Park on a 5-day expedition. The afternoon before we left, many of us were thoroughly scared. Tsavo is known for being home to man-eaters. Although this is a thing of the past, we were warned of the aggressive behavior of the wildlife (due to the abundance of poaching in this park), the risk of scorpions, and the fact that SFS has been close to losing students to lions twice in the past 10 years.

Uhm ... what?

It’s kind of hilarious that we didn’t even see lions our entire time there. But we saw more scorpions than we cared to - in our sleeping bags, shoes, and firewood (unfortunately, one of our guards was stung this way). African scorpion stings, though they aren’t fatal, cause hours of debilitating pain. So none of us were taking anything lightly.

We were well-protected overnight by four guards - two of our own and two from the Kenya Wildlife Service (KWS) armed with AK47s, James and Hussein. KWS has it’s own law enforcement and security department of over 200 rangers. Ask for my stories on these guys later. They are intense.

It’s the rainy season here in Kenya, so the wildlife in Tsavo was sparse (70% of the time, especially during the rainy season, wildlife is found outside of national parks). This wasn’t disappointing, though, because the Tsavo landscape is absolutely phenomenal. Rolling hills and lots of green. On Tuesday, we hiked up the Chyulu Hills (another national park nearby) to the most beautiful view I’ve ever seen. You could see the west side of Chyulu (the area where our home camp is) for miles and miles. You could see Kilimanjaro and Shatani lava flows. Blaaaaaah. If anybody wanted to see beautiful land anywhere in the world, I’d take them to Tsavo.

We also got the treat of seeing wild dogs. Wild dogs. Did you hear me? We saw a pack of 30 wild dogs. No one in our entire group, including faculty who’ve been to national parks countless times, has ever seen anything like that. They were right in the middle of the road, on a silver platter. Playing and running and letting us fully experience them for about 15 minutes before running off into the bush. Wow.

We had a lot of guest lectures throughout the week, many from KWS employees. Unlike Tanzania, Kenya has one institution that’s in charge of all wildlife matters throughout the country. They handle national parks, research, the human-wildlife conflict in surrounding communities, wildlife sanctuaries, etc. Kudos. What a job.

I only have about a month left in Kenya, and from here on out, it’s exams and our directed research project, which is basically the pinnacle of the program. Woohoo!

Amboseli: Kilimanjaro's Royal Court

2010-11-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

11.04.10

Since getting to Kenya, we’ve been getting to know our area (Kimana Group Ranch) and the human-wildlife conflicts that face it. Talking with local people has been really eye-opening, and I’ll talk about that in my next post. But the biggest, baddest problem animal in this area for farmers is the elephant.

I saw a bull get defensive of a matriline in Lake Manyara National Park, but never really fully saw how aggressive they can be until today. I mean, elephants are HUGE. They’re absolutely massive. But I always saw them as gentle creatures. You can tell where they’ve been because there are trees down everywhere, but this isn’t aggressive (or so I still believe anyway).

We went to Amboseli National Park today. It was wet and rainy. We had lectures over our land cruiser radios, baha.

Elephants usually leave the park when it gets really wet. There are 3 main wetlands that they rely on within the park, but when water is everywhere, they are free to roam. So we weren’t expected to see many elephants, but they were everywhere. I probably saw around 130 elephants today. And one of them was a little punk.

There was a herd right next to the road, so we stopped to watch them. They were just sauntering along and foraging. And there was a massive male just minding his own business. A younger male, the punk, confronted him and they fought. It was actually scary, and I was praying that no tusks would be broken because they were locked much of the time. The larger male just pushed him off as many times as the punk came at him. And so the punk started messing around with a female, then back to the older male. He was just looking to cause trouble.

Then. Then ... he trumpeted and charged one of our land cruisers. Thank GOD it was facing the other direction and our students were able to evade him, but their lives flashed before my eyes. I can’t even begin to describe ...

Moral of the story: elephants are awesome and beautiful, but oh they can trample you.

The Other Side of the 'Jaro

2010-10-29T11:18:00.001-07:00

10.29.10

Kimana, Kenya!

Phew. I can’t even begin to tell you how crazy this last week has been. Saying goodbye to my family in Rhotia, Tanzania. Coming to a new place, a new home, where other students have already spent 2 months. And then having them leave for Tanzania, what still feels like our home, with the Tanzanian staff that accompanied us to Kenya. Wow. Saying goodbye to the remaining staff felt like saying goodbye to brothers (and a sister), but I know that Kenya is an amazing place too, and that it is right that I’m here.

Our camp is phenomenal. It is absolutely amazing. It’s about three times bigger than our other camp, is more remote, and just feels like wilderness. I think what I’ve experienced already paints a good picture for what our new camp is like.

We can see Mt Kilimanjaro. Everyday. Sometimes she hides behind the clouds, but it is ... just amazing. It’s a nice balance to see Tanzanian soil while adjusting to Kenya.

The stars are also amazing. All you have to do to see a shooting star is going outside, look up, and wait a couple minutes.

I have befriended bush babies. We congregate behind our bandas (cabins) around 6:25 pm every night and will see them jumping around. They are beyond cute! BAH! I’ve never seen anything so curiously cute. If a bush baby is curious about you, it will stare at you with its cute big eyes, cock its head all cute-like, and poke its cute little head from behind its branch.

Hornbills perch on our bathroom sinks and peck themselves in the mirror.

Today was my favorite. Our bathrooms are outdoor, and I was there getting water for laundry. As I was walking back to my banda, someone shouted a heads up to me. I looked over to see a big male savannah baboon standing about 15 feet away from me. Guh. He was huge. And he was staring at me (no worries, I didn’t have food :). I just kind of stared back until he sauntered off. AH he was so cool!

Class is underway and we have hit the ground running on readings, assignments, and lectures. Craziness! I’m adjusting well to this place, and starting to feel like home.

Moyo Yangu

2010-10-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

10.21.10

“If God doesn’t exist up here, He doesn’t exist anywhere.”

This is what Jackie said as we reached our destination at the top of Moyo Hill. It’s a hill by our camp that has the most phenomenal view. You can see Lake Manyara, Ngorongoro forest, and plenty of pasture with a few houses. Wow.

Today was the perfect release to a week of stress. We had three reports, a written assignment, two data analyses, a poster, and a presentation due this week. This morning, I finished with a presentation on mammal counts and habitat preference. So this afternoon, a few of us took a hike up Moyo Hill and laid there. Really, that’s what we did. I laid belly down on a rock overlooking all the amazingness. I’ve said it once and I’ll see it again - I wish that you could see it like I do.

Find a beautiful place to breathe in today. Do it.

Kwaheri already?

2010-10-16T12:16:00.001-07:00

Hey party people.

I'm leaving for Kenya in 10 days, so I thought I'd throw out my Kenya address in case anyone was thinking of sending anything. It takes a long time for things to get here (some letters arrived today that were postmarked mid-September!), so from here one out, send to Kenya!

Carrie Kern

Center for Wildlife Management Studies

PO Box 27743 (Nyayo Stadium)

00506 - NAIROBI, KENYA

East Africa

I'm already getting a little sad to leave Tanzania. I have made so many lasting friendships here with the staff. Tanzanians, at least the ones I know, have a way of having sweet moments with people. They'll talk about their best life lessons, or they'll tell you exactly how they feel about you. In the last few days, I've been told multiple times that I make them happy, that they love me, that I'll make a good wife and mother ... the list goes on. They are sweet people, and part of me will stay here.

We walked up Moyo Hill today. It's just a little trail from our camp up to the highest point around. I'd never been yet, and I regret that because it is phenomenal. Almost a full panorama of Rhotia, Lake Manyara, a hill called Kilima Tembo. Ugh, it's disgustingly beautiful. Askari Burra, one of our guards, went with us (he's rafiki wetu, our friend, now). He doesn't speak much English, but it encourages us to speak Swahili. Plus, one of the things I love about language barriers is the depth you can reach despite them.

We were walking down the hill, and I was commissioned by a girl I've met before, Catherine, to herd goats. Yeah, weird. And random. When I joined the group again, Askari Burra used his emotions to tell me how he's going to cry when we leave. He just burst into this long speech about who knows what. I heard moyo yangu (my heart), marafiki yangu (my friends), and some other things that helped me piece some of it together. I'm not sure of much of what he said, but the look on his face ...

Something so great is built here. This isn't just a study abroad program. It's a community.

Serengeti, "Endless Plains"

2010-10-16T02:53:00.001-07:00

10.14.10

Ok here I go. Forgive me if this comes out disorganized or as a ramble.

SERENGETI!!!!!!

Ahhh it was amazing!

I saw leopards. I saw lions. I saw a hyena carrying a zebra leg. Zebras and hyenas roamed our camp at night while we slept. A hyena walked 20 feet behind me as I was journaling one night. We saw giraffes and hippos and buffalo and impala (my favorite ungulate!) and hartebeest and jackals and topi. For a split second, I saw a serval. I saw baboon copulation, which was actually pretty gross. I saw a baby crocodile.

Am I satisfied? Oh yes.

Our experience was just so intense. We were prepared well to ensure we didn’t get hurt, and there were a lot of precautions. At night, we had to be escorted to our bathrooms by askaris (guards), one of which was armed with an AK47, to protect us from wildlife, especially unseen buffalo. There was protocol for dealing with wildlife that roamed our camp.

After a few days of game drives in the sun, field exercises on birds and antelope interactions, guest lectures, and discussions, we had a relaxing day on Tuesday. We had a guest lecture in the morning and then game drove to Serena lodge, which took about two hours. Oh my goodness, talk about luxury! After camping out in the bush, having dirt tattoos everywhere, and not even wanting to attempt to brush the rat’s nest on your head, it was almost shocking to walk into a lodge with stone paths, cozy beach chairs, and a POOL overlooking miles and miles of Serengeti savannah. It took my breath away. You would not believe how amazing it feels to jump into a pool after being that dirty. Ah, bliss. After swimming, we indulged in free coffee and treated ourselves to fruit cake with chocolate drizzle while sitting in the most comfortable chairs! Wow.

We left the lodge for our camp a little late, and then got a call that someone from our group had left a hat at the lodge. We had to turn back, and our driver was a little nervous, because driving at night in a national park is a whole different experience altogether. Dusk is when everything happens, wildlife is the most active, and it’s easier to hit them. So while she was nervous, the rest of us were silently excited. I wanted to see a kill. So badly! Unfortunately, we didn’t see any predators, but I can’t complain. Everything else was so active. There were impala running and zebra moving and crying. Things were alive, unlike the daytime when you can’t even count the amount of wildlife you just see standing around, grazing. And I got to see the African sunset across the plain. It was pink and blue, in case you’re wondering.

Each day, one of the students is Mwanafunzi (student) of the Day (MOD). One task of the MOD is to run something we call RAP (Reflection, Announcements, Presentation) after dinner, in which they give a reflection, usually involving a quote or thought of the day, announcements, and a presentation on something, anything. It can be a game, a short research presentation, anything. Our last night in SNP, Scott taught us how to swing dance. Let me tell you, dancing with a heavy-footed Kenyan chef is hilarious. Arthur, our cook, would lead me through the basic step and then turn me repeatedly and without rhyme or rhythm until I almost passed out. Baha, what a partner. :)

I wish you could see African stars. They’re not even star-like. They glitter, and it feels as if you’re looking at a palate full of sequins. You get lost. Dizzy.

Reflecting on this week, I guess what the Serengeti did for me was gave me confidence about my future. I look ahead and feel scared. How am I going to make my ambitions into realities? How can I work abroad and in Africa? I always picture people being reluctant to hire a mzungu (white person) other than locals, and to be honest, that shakes me up a little, too. But I met a guy named Hagai at Serena lodge who is a naturalist/entertainment coordinator/walking safari guide going on 16 years. I only mentioned that I would love to come back to Tanzania and work, and he got excited with me! I have his e-mail and he told me to contact him after I graduate. “We’ll hire you! You can be the boss and we’ll make your standard of living like it is in the States!” Uhm, seriously? Really? Are you pulling my leg? Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for it to happen that fast, right after I graduate in December. But I will keep his e-mail, and he gave me confidence that yes, I can do it. I can, and if this passion stays with me, I will.

2010-10-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

Serengeti. Amazing.

I’ll start putting a blog together. As for now, it’s just too overwhelming! But to hold you over, here’s an unfortunate update on what’s going on in Serengeti National Park. I encourage you to read it all - it’s not that long but is very informative as to why this is such an issue. It breaks my heart every time I think of it. National Parks are to be protected so that biodiversity can thrive, and this just seems like an overstepping of bounds. There are so many reasons it’s important to keep the Serengeti as is.

The Next Batch

2010-10-05T00:40:00.002-07:00

10.1.10

Ngorongoro Crater. Awesome.

So we woke up bright and early this morning to leave for Ngorongoro Conservation Area (NCA). It’s different from a National Park, in which no residents are allowed. NCA has Maasai living in it, but they have to cooperate with conservation efforts (i.e. they can keep livestock, but can’t farm or hunt). It helps keep this area free from detriment by human hands while still giving them access.

Within the conservation area is the biggest caldera (crater caused by a former volcano) in the world. It is GIANT. To get in, you have to drive along the rim and then take the zig zag road down the inside edge. It’s ridiculously steep.

I don’t want to talk about anything but the fact that I saw 14 lions today. FOURTEEN! A few people in my cruiser hadn’t seen lions yet, so we were on a mission. We passed a group who had seen lion CUBS and told us where to go. On our way there, Corina saw something out of the corner of her eye, and I’m so glad she did.

There was a lioness crouched in the grass stalking a line of wildebeest. It was amazing. Unfortunately, the wind was against her and she was detected by the nearby zebra. She was walking around and headed straight for us. She was no more than 5 meters from our vehicle when she crossed the road. She was big and so beautiful. These are the moments I live for; I lost my breath and couldn’t help but get emotional. There’s nothing like seeing a lion like this.

Moses, the staff member that was driving us around, thought that the lioness would eventually try to cut off the wildebeest ahead, but we were torn between that and the cubs. I seriously hope we didn’t miss a chase.

But we got to see cubs! Right along the side of the road by a watering hole sat two lionesses (pregnant maybe?), four cubs, and a male lion. Another one of our groups was across the stream from us and had two of the cubs lying underneath their vehicle. Free shade! Oh man, they were gorgeous. I know I say all these words that don’t do justice; I wish you could just see.

They were napping (lions hunt near dusk), so after a while we crossed the stream to keep going. Moses pulled us over and he and Erica stepped out of the vehicle only 75 meters from the lionesses.

We had a flat tire. And of course, being the fearless African he is, Moses decided to change it right then and there. He was crazy; and Erica was freaked out.

So I can say today that I stood watch over two of our staff members while they changed a tire. Stood watch for lions. LIONS. They were at first just looking at us with curious eyes, but they did get up to move around and at times disappeared into the grass, which is just ... really scary.

My favorite quote of the day is as follows:

Us: [urgently!] Uhm ... the lioness is getting up, she’s moving around looking at us!

Erica: Moses, they’re up!

Moses: [calmly, in his great Kenyan accent] Oh that’s ok ... just let me know when they’re 4 meters away

Bah! He was so calm and it freaked us all out! It seemed as if all day Africans were able to walk around dangerously close to lions as if it were no big deal while we mzungus were cautioned to keep a safe distance. According to Charles, another staff member, it’s because we’re salty and white. :P

After the tire changing, a few of us reallllly had to go to the bathroom. But we got to the bathroom area to find ... get this ... male lions laying on the steps to the ladies’ room. I’m not even kidding. I feel like I should be joking, but I’m not. There was another building for restrooms right next to it, so Moses got out (because he’s not salty and white) and kept watched while we snuck into the other bathroom.

Lions! Really!

So on our way out we saw a couple more lions, one of which was a male that was sprawled out on the sand. You know that thing your house cat does when it’s feeling cuddly and wants to get comfortable? When they roll around on their back and lay with their belly to the sky? Yeah, imagine a lion doing that.

One of the last things my dad said to me when dropping me off at the airport was advice against cuddling with lions on safari. This moment challenged me, but then I remembered the teeth and the claws and the MASSIVE size and the words of my wise father.

Thanks, dad.

10.05.10

On Sunday, five of us went to church with three of our staff, Charles, Paulo, and Safari. It was a catholic church in Rhotia and it was so beautiful! I’ve only been to pentecostal services in Africa (Uganda) and there was a lot of energy - singing, dancing, even the sermon was fiery! But at this church, it was in between the calm and peaceful services you find at catholic churches in the States and the rowdiness of many protestant churches in East Africa.

This church has two service Sunday morning, so when we were driving down the road to get there, there were masses of people walking the other direction (having just left the early service). It was really amazing to see the crazy amount of people that gathered for church!

We went in and sat down and I asked Charles a few questions. Practices are very much the same, just with an African touch. The service was in Swahili, but I was sometimes able to tell what was going by the order of the service.

I also learned a few sweet Swahili phrases: Pokea Mungu Wetu (Receive our God) and Sadaka wa Moyo Wetu (We offer our hearts).

My favorite part of the service was by far the choir. They started singing and dancing from outside and made their way into the church this way. Kids were in the front (with matching yellow skirts), followed by the women, then the men. Their voices were stunning. I love African choirs! Each song they sang was accompanied with some sort of small dance (pews don’t allow you to move much) - mostly sways and hand gestures.

I was very filled after going to church. I loved watching them worship and even though I wasn’t able to understand much of what was being said, the experience was still worshipful. God’s bigger than language barriers anyway.

Yesterday we had our last lecture before exams. Yesterday and today are study days and our midterms start tomorrow! Eek!

The lecture was for my Wildlife Ecology class and was about the bushmeat trade. You know you’re in the right program when you have lectures that churn your stomach and pull at your heart. Here’s what I learned ...

Bushmeat is a huge issue in East Africa, especially in Tanzania. It’s legal to hunt in Tanzania (unlike Kenya), but you have to have a license and and according to CITES, there are certain species that are off limits. Bushmeat is in part causing species decline because its over-exploited; while hunting used to be for subsistence (consuming the meat yourself), it is now more for income (selling it to others), so the more you get the better. There are a ton of reasons people hunt wildlife here - religious beliefs, preference, good sources of protein, to get rid of pests, easier access to wildlife areas and small arms, inadequate law enforcement (police and rangers are found inside Protected Areas, but rarely outside; once wildlife migrates outside of PAs, it’s more difficult to protect them).

An impala leg goes for 100 TSh (about 7 cents); or you can get any kind of meat by the kilogram (50 TSh ~3.5 cents). If you get caught and go to court, you only get fined 1500 TSh (about a dollar).

There hard part is (oh there’s always a hard part) many bushmeat hunters are poor. So how do you ask them to stop or decrease doing what they do for income? Alternative sources of income (farming, pastoralism) are difficult to get started - 1 acre of land in TZ costs about 10,000,000 TSh (~$6,667 USD), which is a LOT of money. And even then, it’s easy to run into cultivation issues due to lack of rainfall during certain times of the year.

Ok now I’m rambling. This issue just ... it gets to me. But what do you do?

...

Well we have exams tomorrow and Thursday. Saturday we’re off to a 5 day expedition in the SERENGETI!!! I won’t be posting until mid-next week, but I’m sure I’ll have a lot to tell you about. :)

The Next Batch

2010-10-05T00:40:00.001-07:00

10.1.10

Ngorongoro Crater. Awesome.

They were napping (lions hunt near dusk), so after a while we crossed the stream to keep going. Moses pulled us over and he and Erica stepped out of the vehicle only 75 meters from the lionesses.

We had a flat tire. And of course, being the fearless African he is, Moses decided to change it right then and there. He was crazy; and Erica was freaked out.

My favorite quote of the day is as follows:

Us: [urgently!] Uhm ... the lioness is getting up, she’s moving around looking at us!

Erica: Moses, they’re up!

Moses: [calmly, in his great Kenyan accent] Oh that’s ok ... just let me know when they’re 4 meters away

Lions! Really!

Thanks, dad.

10.05.10

I also learned a few sweet Swahili phrases: Pokea Mungu Wetu (Receive our God) and Sadaka wa Moyo Wetu (We offer our hearts).

Yesterday we had our last lecture before exams. Yesterday and today are study days and our midterms start tomorrow! Eek!

An impala leg goes for 100 TSh (about 7 cents); or you can get any kind of meat by the kilogram (50 TSh ~3.5 cents). If you get caught and go to court, you only get fined 1500 TSh (about a dollar).

Ok now I’m rambling. This issue just ... it gets to me. But what do you do?

...

D & D!

2010-10-03T11:34:00.003-07:00

I would like to share with you all one of the things I'm learning in Tanzania.

I don't really know how to say this. But I'm learning how to play Dungeons and Dragons. I found myself a few nerds who recruited me to partake in an adventure of the imagination.

... LoL ...

I spent 2 hours last night filling out a character sheet. Two hours. This game is intense, and we haven't even started playing yet.

Behold, my friend, Megan's, character. She's a halfling bard named Chloe. She's lawful neutral, in case you were wondering. Megan was unavailable for photograph. She's a beautiful bashful person. Pity. : P

And my roommate, Jackie's, character, an elf druid (who is currently nameless). She's the lawful neutral bringer of death in the forest. She's also very attractive.

... but clearly not as attractive as my character, Helga, a 30-year-old, 6 foot 7 half-orc cleric.

I ... am a tank. And also a sexy beast.

2010-09-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

09.29.10

Wow, I have a lot of catching up to do! It’s been busy ‘round these parts.

Our last day off was last Thursday, and it was a really good day. We get a day off pretty sporadically, and try to do fun things when we get a chance. That day we started with a hike up a mountain in Mto Wambu. It was gorgeous. Absolutely stunning. I was exhausted, but it was well worth it. There were a few times I just had to look behind me and gasp a little. We had a great view of the hills with Lake Manyara National Park in the distances. Bah you have no idea!!

My favorite part of the hike was spending time with Johana, one of our Swahili teachers. I really enjoy his presence - very gentle and welcoming, yet strong. He taught me more Swahili and we laughed a ton. Honestly, I don’t think I remember any of it, but it was still fun. Too much at once, I guess. :)

The next day we conducted interviews for Environmental Policy. We’ve been learning about participation from rural communities - aka letting people tell us what they need instead of spending a little time in their community and then telling them what they need. The goal of these interviews is to get all your information from rural communities who live the issues you’re pursuing, and to take your own bias out.

My group focused on difficulties facing small-scale farmers. Small farms surround us, so all we had to do was walk outside our gate with our guide and translator, Daniel, and find our neighbors.

This day was super insightful, and was probably the first time I had any interest in policy. We asked each family we crossed about many things, but the problems they face in particular. Man, there were so many! Some families seemed discouraged, while others were well off. But overall, the system seems pretty disorganized. Just as we predicted, the biggest problem facing farmers in this area was lack of water. There are no irrigation systems, and each farm has to wait for rain, which is unreliable. We asked if anyone regulates water in the area, and each one said no. The next day I found out that there’s a water committee in Rhotia. We were going to interview them (aaaahhh I wanted to so badly!), but national elections are coming up, so we weren’t able to get time with them. I want to know why no one knows about this committee and what they do. What is this gap between the people who need water and the committee devoted to it? There’s water for domestic use in Rhotia, but no sort of irrigation system for agriculture.

Other difficulties included (and I won’t elaborate) pests, lack of capital, inadequate seed, soil quality/erosion, low market price, and lack of agricultural education.

A couple days ago, we did home stays with families in Rhotia. Best day ever. We were paired up and dropped off with certain families to spend the day with them, cook, work, see what their lives are like.

My partner was Robbie. He’s from Illinois and also goes to school there. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him, and we have more in common than I thought. Funny how that always happens. He’s constantly laughing and really appreciates people; you can just see it.

So Robbie and I spent the day with a family who spoke no English. Crazy, but so valuable. My Swahili failed me many times, and I wish I knew more. But we achieved a deep level of connection anyway, and we felt like members of their family. One of the best things about language barriers is how you overcome them.

Mom’s name is Agipina, and dad is John. They have eight kids. We met a few throughout the day, but some were away at school. Martin, Onesti, Francisco, Francisca (twins, ha!), Gilberti, Jazz, Magdelina, and James. I spent a lot of time with Francisca. She taught me how to prepare chai, ugali (a corn flour and water mixture), and a cabbage dish. I wondered all day long whether Robbie and I were actually helping - they had to baby us Americans a lot. Honestly, it blows my mind that you can make a room FULL of dirt on an uneven floor clean as a whistle using only a scraper and a rag. Blows my mind.

I spent most of my day cleaning, cooking, and sitting (wow I’m useful!), while Robbie did a lot of work with livestock and fetching water. So the gender roles were very obvious, but I saw a lot of value in seeing a beastly woman cook a meal. You wouldn’t think so, but ugali takes muscle. You have to beat it into submission because it’s so tough. Obey me so I can eat you!

At one point, Agipina brought out the family photo album! It brought me so much joy to see wedding pictures, and graduations, and family events! After showing me all these pictures, she gave me a few and told me to take them to America with me. Uhm, wow! What generosity to give someone else a part of your family! We took a few pictures with them and hope to send them back to Aziz (our Swahili teacher who set this day up) so he can deliver them to John and Agipina.

I loved watching John and Agipina interact. I have no idea what they were saying to each other, but there was a lot of connection and laughter. You could tell that even after eight kids and many years of marriage, they still liked each other and enjoyed each other’s company.

When one of the youngest, Magdelina, came home, she just could not take her eyes off the mzungu (white) girl. She pretty much jumped me and just started to feel my hair. So soft! She went away for a while, but started staring at me again, so I invited her to come sit next to me. She sat for a while, but her eyes drifted up to my hair again and she erupted into playing with it again. She was just suddenly out of control! :P

Sigh. Tanzania.

09.30.10

I have officially had my initiation into this community. This morning, we took the first jigger (like chiggers in the States) out of my toe!

Ok, please do not read the italics if you’re squeamish. I’m about to get descriptive.

I found the jigger last night before I went to bed. They find their way under your skin and grow and lay eggs and it’s disgusting. If you find them mature, they look like a swollen white thing with a small black dot.

To get them out, you go to Erica (our Student Affairs Manager, originally from Colorado). She’s a beast when it comes to getting these things out. You have to be careful to get all of the egg sac out. Otherwise you’ll have growing babies (like my roommate, Arima). Anyway, you have to cut around the jigger to make a sort of flap. Once you turn it up, the white jigger just kind of oozes out. It’s kind of like popping a pimple, except ... nastier. It bleeds a lot, because they usually burrow pretty deep.

After you get the jigger and egg sac out, you have rub an alcohol swab inside the wound to disinfect. Not the most fun thing you’ve ever done. Then you soak your foot in soapy hot water and cover! And you’re jigger free!

We had a goat roast last night. They let us observe the entire process, meaning the two goats were alive when we started.

It was actually really really hard to watch. I won’t detail it, but the death was definitely not quick enough. Yikes.

We watching the skinning (and some of the other students helped) and took out all the organs for a friendly little ruminant anatomy lesson. Their stomachs are so fantastic! I don’t remember what they’re each called, but goats have four. Each of the stomachs have a different texture - one’s like a honeycomb, another has a bunch of ridges, etc - it’s really interesting!

Poor goats ... but they were really yummy. Ask me more about this when I get home; I’m too bashful to admit here which parts I ate.

Ngorongoro crater tomorrow! I hear amazing things, so I'm STOKED!

Panthera Leo

2010-09-22T12:59:00.000-07:00

09.21.10

I just watched someone remove a jigger from his own foot. It was disgusting.

We have lots of jiggers here. They just bury themselves in your toes and ... blah ... mature and lay eggs and ... sorry. Don’t worry, I haven’t had any yet. Jinx?

Ok, focus Carrie!

Yesterday, September 20th, 2010 at 11:45 am, I saw my first lion in the wild.

We took a trip to Tarangire National Park yesterday for our Wildlife Management class. We had learned methods of mammal transects the previous day, and took road counts yesterday. How it worked was we went out in our land cruisers, which have removable hatches on the top. We had a recorder who took down all our data, and two people on each side who scanned the landscape for mammals. We would record whatever we saw, the number of individuals, and how far away they were. Woohoo! We saw elephants and zebras and impala and wildebeest and giraffes and dikdiks and steinboks and waterbuck and ... even two carcasses (one zebra and one giraffe). So I was definitely ready to see a predator.

And we found the most amazing Boabab tree. I mean, they’re amazing as is. But this one had a big hole on the side so you could see the hollow inside. It was gorgeous! I felt like a giant owl should’ve live inside.

Anyway. Kioko, our driver, has eyes like a hawk and saw a male lion far off. We took a break from transects, clearly, and made our way down the hill. The first one I spotted was a lioness making her way through the riverine. I saw her just briefly. The male was further than she was, but was right in the open on the riverbed. Oh. My. Goodness. He was so dark, meaning old. He didn’t do much, but honestly, he didn’t have to. He just stood there. But he was so beautiful.

We drove back up the hill after a while, and could see him from the other angle. He walked off right to where we were positioned before. Grrr, thanks buddy.

But but but ... we were driving along later, and saw a lioness walking right along the road. She was just circling, but then she fixed her eyes on something. She got realllllly low and starting to stalk something. Goodness, she blended right in with the grass. She just glided away until she disappeared from view.

We drove across the river and spotted her again, and this time we were to her left. She was probably 250 meters from us, but we could see well enough. Ah she was sooo good! She was moving ever so slowly, and didn’t rise an inch. Just moving like molasses across the savannah. She slowed to a complete stop, her eyes glued to whatever she was stalking. Frozen. Frozen. Frozen. Then BAM, she just erupted. And so did the warthogs she’d been watching. Unfortunately, she didn’t catch any. But man, it was so cool. So cool.

BAH. Not only did I get to see a lion. I got to see four. And a chase. What a complete day. And the perfect way to see something I’ve been waiting for for years.

2010-09-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

09.17.10

This program is challenging in so many ways. I absolutely love it. But challenges are, obviously, difficult when you’re in the middle of facing them.

I guess I should start by giving an overview of my classes. There are only 28 of us students, and we live, eat, breathe with our Tanzanian faculty and staff. So our classes are decided for us because, well, we all have to take the same thing.

First, I’m taking Wildlife Ecology with professor John Kioko. He’s an elephant expert with Elephant Trust (hence, he saved us from the crazy bull elephant at Lake Manyara!). This class basically looks into everything there is to know about African wildlife and how animals interact with each other. It involves what they eat, how they cohere (or don’t), where they’re distributed, what their conservation status is, etc. It’s all about wildlife behavior with a touch of wildlife conservation.

Tied to that is Wildlife Management with Dr. Bernard Kisui. This is the professor who did his Ph.D. at the University of Minnesota and lived less than a mile from me for a few years. This is definitely my favorite class because we mostly discuss what we call the HWC (the Human-Wildlife Conflict). This conflict is, in my opinion, the thing that makes conserving biodiversity so complicated and difficult. From the American standpoint, African wildlife is wicked sweet. They are spectacular and we can’t get enough of them. They’re novel to us. Here, much of wildlife is a nuisance. Imagine being a farmer, and your livelihood is in your crop. You wouldn’t be too happy to wake up and find your source of income has been trampled by elephants or munched on by baboons. This class looks at different ideas of how to conserve wildlife and biodiversity while keeping human interests in mind.

Class 3 is Environmental Policy and Socio-economic Issues with professor John Mwamhanga. Yup, definitely the class I struggle with the most. In order to be a conservationist with any NGO in Africa, you have to keep governmental regulations in mind, and much of what you accomplish is through policy-makers. So to understand the system is to understand how to manage wildlife in practical ways.

And our last class is Swahili and Social Culture with two teachers - Aziz and Johanna. The first full day we were here, they taught us some greetings and threw us into Rhotia to approach people and have a conversation in Swahili. So awkward. But I’m glad we did it. I made a fool of myself so many times, but I’m now used to getting laughed at. After all, I’m that silly American attempting Swahili. Harhar. Mimi ni mtundu!

The challenge I’m dealing with tonight is with my Swahili class. A few days ago we went to a Maasai Manyatta boma outside of Mtuombu. Bomas are cultural centers where tourists can venture to see traditional dancing, get tours of what a tribal community looks like, see handcrafts being made, and purchase those handcrafts. The funds go directly to the Maasai, which they turn and use not only for their livelihood, but also for schooling. Awesome, right? Well the night before we went to the boma, we were assigned readings about the detriments made by the tourist industry, including globalization (which could threaten preservation of culture), exploitation, and deception by the Maasai (i.e., changing from their slacks and dresses into tradition dress and giving a show for what they think the westerners want).

Oof.

Going to the boma was fine; I enjoyed myself and we interviewed a few people about ... well, everything we could think of. But now comes the written report critically analyzing the role of the Maasai the tourism and whether their benefits are really worth it.

I’m the kind of person that will address an issue by debating herself in circles. With these issues, are there really conclusions? Perfect solutions? Nope. And I’m a 22-year-old American. I am ignorant, and I met the Maasai three days ago. But I have to analyze them. And it feels like judgment from an outsider.

But in order to understand, one must analyze.

09.19.10

Yesterday was our first community service day! We have a few of these days knit within our schedule for the semester. After class in the morning, we met in separate committees in preparation to visit Watoto (children) care in Mtuombu. The building committee built a teeter totter and a clubhouse. Wowza!

We arrived in the middle of their lunch, so things were pretty calm. But it didn’t stay that way for long. Mwalimu Juma (Teacher Juma) runs the enter center of 20 kids, and honestly, I don’t know how he does it. It was mass chaos the whole time! Our group had not been as tired as we were that day.

While a few people installed the teeter totter and clubhouse, everyone else just played! I tried to get through to a really bashful kid who was clinging for dear life to a pole. I’ve never seen an African kid do that, haha! But then another kid, Devota, took my heart. I’m not sure how old she is - she didn’t speak English and I don’t know how to ask it Swahili - but I’d say about 5 years old. I learned that she doesn’t like to play, sleep, or eat, but loves to read. Weird. : P I actually asked her a few times if she likes to play - Unapenda kucheza? - I couldn’t believe that she doesn’t! And I still don’t. She played with me and had the time of her life, as did I. :) Lots of throwing her around and swinging and piggy back rides and a few cuddles. I was thankful that she likes to sit, too. Phew!

I also got a chance to talk more with Rachel, one of the other students. Her heart is in the shape of Africa; and if she could have it her way, she’d just stay here forever. Her first trip to Africa was Uganda (like me!) a few years ago, volunteering. After that trip, she met her boyfriend Barry, who’s from South Africa, working at a Starbucks in Colorado, Rachel’s home state. So she spends much of her time there with him (including before and after this program!). Rachel is so easy to talk to and once we get going on Africa, it’s hard to stop. She has a lot of knowledge about what’s going on, and has a lot of amazing experiences, even ones that are terrifying. She cares for Africa in many of the ways I do, and we have a ton in common. There isn’t a day that I’m not inspired by her!

Anyway, talking with her reminded me how freeing it is to not care about your external as much as your character, and for letting your spirit live for other people. What I care about on a daily basis changes when I’m here. I haven’t showered in three days. Disgusting smells surround me more often than not. I eat essentially the same thing at every meal (oh but don’t get me wrong, it’s DELICIOUS!). My wardrobe is limited and I have to hand wash my clothes. I am very dirty the majority of the time; and I’m pretty sure the first few layers of dirt on my skin won’t come off until I get back to the States. But when I’m here experiencing what I am, none of that matters; and I don’t give any of it a second thought because what I’m able to invest in here - building relationships, playing around, and really seeing how people’s lives are - is so much better.

I am so happy to be disgusting. To me, it means my investments are worthy.

Mmm. We go to Tarangire tomorrow and I’ll probably see lions in the wild for the first tiiiiiiiiiime!!!!

Lake Manyara

2010-09-14T05:34:00.001-07:00

09.11.10

Wow. I have a story to tell you.

The drive up to Rhotia and Moyo Hill overlooks Lake Manyara National Park, so today we took the 20-minute trek next door to day trip through the park.

I got to see baboons (yes, more baboons!), blue monkeys, hornbills, zebras, hippos, wildebeest, dikdiks, impalas, waterbucks, giraffes, not to mention parasitic trees! Seeing all these animals throughout the morning was wicked sweet, but it wasn’t take-my-breath-away, I-can’t-keep-the-tears-in. I appreciated it, but it didn’t grip me.

Until after lunch. We wanted to see elephants. We realllllly wanted to see elephants. When we finally did, it was fantastic. A matriline of about 5 elephants were wandering through the bush. They are huge. And majestic. And huge.

We kept seeing elephants on our way sauntering through the bush. And we were driving along driving along ... until we rounded a corner to see a BIG BULL elephant standing in the road, diagonal to us. It was one of those things where everyone was talking, but as soon as we laid our eyes on this scene, everything went silent, I stopped breathing, and tears filled my eyes. No one moved a muscle. He kept his eyes on us and we weren’t really sure what he was going to do. He was breath-taking. I. Could. Not. Believe. It.

We just sat there watching him for a while (not that we had a choice since he was in our path). A matriline emerged from the bushes behind him and you could just see him go into defense mode. His ears went out and his trunk went up. He was staring at us before, but his eyes drilled into us like nothing else.

When the females had crossed the road, he turned toward us and started moving forward.

Uhm ... uh oh ...

He was coming straight for us and I thought he was going to charge our cruiser. One of our professors, John Kioko, was driving. Thank the sweet Lord his expertise is elephants! He reversed slowly as the bull veered off to the side a bit. His eyes were on us the entire time. As he got closer, Kioko quickly drove past him. We were so close to him!! Kioko explained later that he could tell the bull’s indecision - he wasn’t sure whether to charge our vehicle or just let us pass. His body was pointed towards us, but he made no confidence increase in speed.

Phew.

After he passed us, he took control of the road. He stood in the center of the road right where the curve ended. It was as if he was just waiting for someone to turn the corner and challenge him. A bus came around and stopped as soon as it saw him, kicking up a little dust. The display the bull did was absolutely stunning. He just kept throwing up dust all around him. I can’t even imagine how intimidating that must have been from the front. Of course, the bus backed off to choose another route. Wow wow wow!

I’ve never been so humbled in my life. Woah.

News from the Field!

2010-09-10T00:27:00.000-07:00

Thought I’d give you guys another way to stay updated from all of us here in Tanzania. SFS keeps a blog - News from the Field. Feel free to check it out!

In Tanzania!

2010-09-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

09.05.2010

I’m underway! I’m sitting in London Heathrow Airport. And, welp, I’m exhausted. But would you expect anything less? ;)

I flew from Minneapolis to Newark, where I met most of my gang. This semester is going to be interesting and awesome. We are a slew of every kind of person. I love our variety. I won’t tell you about everyone (or anyone right now) since I’ve met over 20 new people in the last 24 hours.

We arrived in London to face a 12-hour layover, so a few of us went into the city! Oh man. London is uh-maze-ing. We first saw Trafalgar Square and Big Ben. There were bicyclists everywhere. They were having an annual bike-a-thon to promote bike riding in the city. Love it!

After eating lunch in a park, we walked down to hit up Buckingham Palace. Wow. Wow wow wow. That place is huge and classic and GORGEOUS. I was feeling surreal the entire time, feeling a bit prepared for Africa, but not at all prepared to see a palace! But I love London. It’s so classic. The buildings have so much history and their culture is so evident.

I’ve already made a fool of myself. Oh joy. We were walking down the street in London around some construction, and I must’ve been really into the conversation because I ran into a construction barricade, ended up straddling it and grunting. Wow, I’m attractive. The good thing is, it’s so far the highlight of everyone’s trip! Ha. We are already a group that can laugh at each other. And I like that.

Well ... I go to Africa tomorrow. And start class this week. It’s crazy. Here are some things you can pray for:

Fatigue. My group is already pretty tired. Honestly, we’re zombies. I’m sure everything will start to regulate and we’ll fall into a routine. But it’s difficult to start a semester this way. Our schedule is packed; and we can expect 13 hour days. So please be ever praying for our energy!

Adjustments. Some of my team has had experiences abroad before, but adjusting is never easy! I’m a little worried about tackling that along with starting class and field work ... it’s just seems like a lot to handle at once!

Academics! Sigh. I really want to do well in this program. Pray that I find the intention and diligence to succeed!!

G’bye for now! I miss you all already, but I’ll be back in a jiffy. And I’ll see you soon.

09.07.10

I bless the rains down in Africa // Gonna take some time to do the things we never have ...

Wow. Tanzania. We are here. We are alive. And we are stoked.

I feel like I’m in a family already. I absolutely LOVE these people. Just thought I’d mention.

Last night we arrived in Tanzania and stayed in a hotel in Arusha. I was oh so nostalgic. I never understood when people talked about the smell of Africa. There’s a distinct smell to it. And it hit me hard and I was so giddy all night. Yes people, Africa has become my drug.

This morning we took the four-hour trek to the Center for Wildlife Management Studies (CWMS) camp just outside of Rhotia. We saw animals on our way! I saw a giraffe head stick out of the bush and zebras from afar ... I think. Haha, they were really far away. But, we did see Baboons on the side of the road. Fantastic.

More to come, because we’ll be staying in National Parks (Serengeti, Terengire, Ngorogoro, Amboseli ... ) and will be in close proximity to animals. In fact, we learned how to handle baboons and their food-thieving today. : )

When we got to camp, we met our staff, who are all Tanzanian (amazinamazingamazing) except our Student Affairs Manager (SAM), Erica, who’s from Colorado. We settled in (after our baggage arrived; what’s a trip to East Africa without lost luggage?), got to know each other better, learned some more Swahili, and had a bit of orientation. Let me just say this semester is going to blow my mind.

So our camp. We’re located about three hours west of Arusha, TZ near a small town called [Rotea]. Our camp is a fenced in area equipped with a gate and an askeri (a guard) 24 hours a day. In the center of camp is the chumba, the dining hall/meeting area, which also has a duka, a small store. We have a small kitchen staff; and after two meals, I am so happy! The food is fantastic.

On one side are the student bandas (cabins), with two bunk beds and a bathroom. The other side of the camp contains staff offices, our classroom/library, and staff/faculty cabins. Our camp is basic, but also very homey and accommodating.

One person we met today is our director, Dr. Moses Okello. He is officially the 2nd East African I’ve met (including my trip to Uganda) who has a sarcastic sense of humor. So I already like him. He has inspired us a lot already, not only to succeed academically, but to represent the States and the School for Field Studies (SFS) well. We are the first students and Americans to tread through this town. Our camp was just set up this summer, so even some of our staff have never met an American.

My bandamates are fantastic. I love them both already. And I love the way we’ve set up our banda.

Amira is from the University of North Carolina-Chapel Hill. She had never been out of the States, but she backpacked through Europe this summer and met us on our London layover. So she’s already been traveling for three months and is in for three more. Crazy! She [couch surfed] through a ton of places, including London and Spain (where she was when they beat Germany in the world cup!). She’s adventurous, tender-hearted, and full of life.

Jackie is from Penn State and also traveled before the program to Egypt and Spain. Clearly, she is also adventurous! This girl cracks me up. She has a great sense of humor and is one of those people who could brighten any day.

Well, we officially start our academics tomorrow! They’ve warned us about how rigorous this program is, and I guess they we’re lying.

09.09.10

Crazy story. Our Wildlife Management professor showed up to camp after we did. I met him a few days ago over breakfast, and found out that I used to live less than a mile away from him in Minnesota. He’s Tanzanian but did his Ph.D. at the University of Minnesota and lived in St. Paul at the same time I went to Hamline. Weird. He’s a fantastic professor so far.

One of my favorite Tanzanians so far is Askari Burra. He’s one of our overnight guards (we have three). This guy is hilarious. He doesn’t know much English, and we don’t know much Swahili. So our interactions are great. We know a few animal names, and one day he just started making ridiculous animal noises. My favorite so far is fisi (hyena). Baha ...

Things are good. I’m feeling at home here, and this is going to be an amazing semester. We’ve started class (amazing!) and we’re heading to Lake Manyara National Park on Saturday! First safari!!

Change of Address for TZ

2010-08-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!

I got word that our location in Tanzania has changed. So please use the following address if you decide to send a letter, instead of the one I provided in the previous post. My Kenya address is still correct!

Carrie Kern

SFS Center for Wildlife Management Studies, Tanzania

PO Box 304

KARATU, TANZANIA

Leaving on a jet plane ...

2010-08-23T16:23:00.000-07:00

I fly out in 12 days.

Where am I going? Funny you should ask.

I’m going on the freaking BEST study abroad program EVER. It’s called the School of Field Studies. This school has set up research base camps all over the world, through which they implement 5 year research plans. University students can study there for a semester or summer term, experiencing research, wildlife, and culture. Sweet.

I’ll start in Tanzania in the Manyara area, and end in Kenya, at Kilimanjaro Bush Camp (KBC) near Amboseli National Park. My program focuses on wildlife management, and the interactions between the maasai people and wildlife, and the challenges this interaction poses to wildlife conservation.

I’ll be able to update periodically, so stay tuned!

And for all my pen pals out there, here are my addresses for each site. Like I said, I’ll be in Tanzania first, and will post when I switch over to Kenya. Postage takes about two weeks.

Carrie Kern

SFS Center for Wildlife Management Studies

C/O Haven Nature Lodge and Campsite

P.O. Box 372

KARATU, TANZANIA

East Africa

Carrie Kern

Center for Wildlife Management Studies

P.O. Box 27743 (Nyayo Stadium)

00506 - NAIROBI, KENYA

East Africa

Unfortunately, I won’t be able to Skype and probably won’t be on facebook. Our internet situation and unstable and I have to share with 30 others. I think this will be freeing, so let me go already! :P Please feel free to e-mail me (ckern09@hotmail.com) or send mail. I’ll do my best to respond quickly!

My Goodbye to Aphids

2010-08-20T16:39:00.001-07:00

Today was my last day working in the aphid lab. My boss gave told me he'd give me a dollar if I ate one.

Baha ... well after my hard-earned dollar, here's a video. Enjoy!

Protected

2010-08-16T18:40:00.001-07:00

I'm leaving the country soon [more to come on this!].

Since it's my last week in Madison until next spring, I received a travel blessing at my church. It was actually one of the most beautiful things I've been a part of and if nothing else, it calmed me a great deal from the nerves of going abroad.

They called a group of us up, including those going to camp for the week and me, going to Tanzania and Kenya for a semester. Ha - little bit of a difference. The priest said a prayer over us and sprinkled each person with holy water saying, "God bless you out of Zion." I got extra sprinkles because I'm going further. Ha!

My favorite thing about the blessing was that I was assigned a guardian angel. So amazing. Any nervousness I've been feeling in the last day has been mellowed by the thought that I have my own angelic being watching over me. I know (but surely underestimate) that God watches over me but having Him command His angels concerning me (Ps. 91:11) is something so ... specific.

I'll leave you with an Orthodox prayer to your guardian angel that I've noticed. I think it's beautiful, and it's opened my eyes a bit more to the world of mystical beings.

O angel of God, my holy guardian, given to me from heaven, enlighten me this day, and save me from all evil. Instruct me in doing good deeds, and set me on the path of salvation. Amen.

O angel of Christ, holy guardian and protector of my soul and body, forgive me everything wherein I have offended you every day of my life, and protect me from all influence and temptation of the evil one. May I never again anger my God by my sins. Pray for me to the Lord, that He may make me worthy of the grace of the All-Holy Trinity, and of the blessed Mother of God, and of all the saints. Amen.

Teresa Needs No Title

2010-08-14T13:57:00.000-07:00

"... the important thing is not to think much, but to love much; do, then, whatever most arouses you to love. Perhaps we do not know what love is: it would not surprise me a great deal to learn this, for love consists, not in the extent of our happiness, but in the firmness of our determination to try to please God in everything, and to endeavour, in all possible ways, not to offend Him, and to pray Him ever to advance the honour and glory of His Son and the growth of the Catholic Church. Those are the signs of love; do not imagine that the important thing is never to be thinking of anything else and that if your mind become slightly distracted all is lost."

[St. Teresa of Avila]

2010-07-26T20:21:00.000-07:00

I fear.

I fear broken relationship. I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how often it happens, and I fear it for myself.

I want to know sooooo badly the thing. You know, the thing (or things I suppose it could be) that causes people to end marriages, to leave spouses. What happens? It's with great sadness I yearn to understand the downward transformation some people experience. It's awful. I understand that sometimes it is necessary to get away from abuse, but I think it's safe to assume that breaking up is never easy when you're in a marriage.

I want to understand why marriages end, because I want to avoid that thing that causes it. Who's to say my marriage will last? And what can I do to make sure that it doesn't? How do we avoid the thing?!

I thought and thought and thought. But came up with nothing expect the following.

Christ.

I cannot do marriage. I am not strong enough. Selfless enough. Sacrificial enough. Devoted enough. Loyal enough. My ability to love another person at the intensity that marriage requires comes only from God. I can't do it. Mr. Kern and I are not exempt from the hardships that end marriages. But we have the strength of God to empower us.

Only by God. I can't love without Him.

Get ready for it. Don Miller to be quoted once again. I'm reading Blue Like Jazz. And I absolutely LOVE the ending of his chapter on romance. It really speaks for itself, and puts great words on this idea of finding strength for marriage in God.

"I had been working on a play called Polaroids that year. It was the story of one man's life from birth to death, each scene delivered through a monologue with other actors silently acting out parts behind the narrator as he walks the audience through his life journey. In the scene I had written... I had the man fighting with his wife. They were experiencing unbearable tension after losing a son in a car accident the year before. I knew in my heart they were not going to make it, that Polaroids would include a painful divorce that showed the ugliness of separation. But I changed my mind. After talking with Paul [a married friend] I couldn't do it. I wonder what it would look like to have the couple stick it out. I got up and turned on my computer. I had the lead character in my play walk into the bedroom where his wife was sleeping. I have him kneel down by her and whisper some lines:

'What great gravity is this that drew my soul towards yours? What great force, that though I went falsely, went kicking, went disguising myself to earn your love, also disguised to earn your keeping, your resting, your staying, your will fleshed into mind, rasped by a slowly revealed truth, the barter of my soul that I fear, the soul that I loathe, the soul that: if you will love, I will love. I will redeem you, if you will redeem me? Is this our purpose, you and I together to pacify each other, to lead each other toward that lie that we are good, that we are noble, that we need not redemption, save the one that you and I invented of our own clay?

I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I went looking, I wrote out a list, I drew an image, I bled a poem of you. You were pretty, and my friends believed I was worth of you. You were clever, but I was smarter, perhaps the only one smarter, the only one able to lead you. You see, love, I did not love you, I loved me. And you were only a tool that I used to fix myself, to fool myself, to redeem myself. And though I have taught you to lay your lily hand in mind, I walk alone, for I cannot talk to you, lest you talk it back to me, lest I believe that I am not worthy, not deserving, not redeemed.

I want desperately for you to be my friend. But you are not my friend; you have slide up warmly to the man I wanted to be, the man I pretended to be, and I was your Jesus and, you were mine. Should I show you who I am, we may crumble. I am not scared of you, my love, I am scared of me.

I want to be known and loved anyway. Can you do this? I trust by your easy breathing that you are human like me, that you are fallen like me, that you are lonely, like me. My love, do I know you? What is this great gravity that pulls us so painfully toward each other? Why do we not connect? Will we be forever in fleshing this out? And how will we with words, narrow words, come into the knowing of each other? Is this God's way of meriting grace, of teaching us of the labyrinth of His love for us, teaching us, in degrees, that which He is sacrificing to join ourselves to Him? Or better yet, has He formed our being fractional so that we might conclude one great hope, plodding and sighing and breathing into one another in such a great push that we might break through into the known and being loved, only to cave into a greater perdition and fall down at His throne still begging for our acceptance? Begging for our completion?

We were fools to believe that we would redeem each other.

Were I some sleeping Adam, to wake and find you resting at my rib, to share these things that God has done, to walk you through the garden, to counsel your timid steps, your bewildering eye, your heart so slow to love, so careful to love, so sheepish that I stepped up my aim and became a man. Is this what God intended? That though He made you from my rib, it is you who is making me, humbling me, destroying me, and in so doing revealing Him.

Will we be in ashes before we are one?

What great gravity is this that drew my heart toward yours? What great force collapsed my orbit, my lonesome state? What is this that wants in me that want in you? Don't we go at each other with yielded eyes, with cumbered hands and feet, with clunky tongues? This deed is unattainable! We cannot know each other!...'"

And the kicker.

"'... I am quitting this thing, but not what you think. I am not going away.

I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God's own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.

I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding your love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.

God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.'"

I think love is beautiful when it's seen as a covenant. When your effort to love someone is independent of how much effort they put in to love you.

Now that is Christ.

God's Angsty Too

2010-07-25T13:23:00.000-07:00

I love the moments when you realize something about God and it hits you in the face and takes your breath away.

I'm reading The Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila. It's a really good read for me in light of this disconnection (or whatever it is) I'm having with God.

I've lost a sense of God's love for me. I no longer understand and believe it as I once did. Midst this desert, I sense His indifference and His complacency for my situation. My head knows the falsity of this, but my heart is another story. I think it's a lot more difficult to understand something with your heart than with your head.

But God smacked me today. And basically said, "FRICK I LOVE YOU!!"

Context. In this book I'm reading, Teresa explains the soul as a castle composed of many mansions. I don't understand all of it since I've only started. But the outer mansions are the soul's concerns with earthly affairs; this is where Satan dwells the most and has the most influence. The inner mansion, the 7th, is utmost connection and oneness with God, and a place Satan cannot penetrate.

In the chapter about the 2nd mansions, Teresa discusses how there is more suffering to be had than in the 1st mansions. Those in the 1st mansions are ignorance, and don't understand that those inner mansions and connection with God even exist. She calls them "dumb," saying they can "hear nothing." But those who dwell in the 2nd mansions understand that there is more, but they are far from it. There is potential for more depth with God, but it's something they lack. Teresa describes them as those "who can hear and not speak."

Teresa writes of God's view of the 2nd mansion dwellers, and why that makes them suffer so much:

"[T]his Lord of ours is so anxious that we should desire Him and strive after His companionship that He calls us ceaselessly, time after time, to approach Him; and this voice of His is so sweet that the poor soul is consumed with grief at being unable to do His bidding immediately; and thus, as I say, it suffers more than if it could not hear Him."

For the first time in a while, I did not see complacency from God. I saw anxiousness. I saw eagerness for me to long for Him. My angst for this dryness was matched.

I still feel the necessity of this desert. I understand that it's simply something I must go through. After all, God trusts me, right? But He hurts as much as I do. Just like a parent who watches their kid suffer but does not jump to fix it. For they know the need for lessons of life experiences, and maturity through hardship.

Zoologist nerding out again ...

2010-07-19T19:09:00.000-07:00

One of the Zoology building on campus houses the preserved body of a giant spider crab (beware this link - the picture is creepy!). I marvel at it every time I'm there, which is often.

It is HUGE.

It's found in Japan and it's the largest of all known arthropods. The one we have on campus is 4'8" from the center of its body to the tip of its longest appendage, but this distance can be up to 6 feet in other individuals. Oh. My. Goodness. Want to run into one of those on the beach? Me neither. They feed on coral, but noooo way am I wanting to encounter that beast!!

Here I am.

2010-07-13T17:57:00.001-07:00

I'm hyper.

I'm hyper because I'm revved up by the way God is moving. I'm finally starting to understand the things I'm going through and why I'm going through them.

Confused? Welcome to my life.

I went out for coffee this afternoon with a very wise catholic man. He's the choir director of the catholic church on campus where a close friend of mine attends. I somehow ended up setting up coffee with him and gained a perspective that has been freeing me for the past hour.

My connection with God has been changing over the past year. The thing is, this change doesn't feel good. It feels as if a connection is absent, almost as if I've checked out and have lost touch with my Lord. I've been thankful for this humbling and somber experience. But it has been painful to think I've been trying so hard without seeing any fruit of my labor.

I told this to my new friend, and he said something that surprised me, something that I never even thought about.

"What a blessing that He trusts you enough to give you this experience."

I'm not experiencing the fruit of a connection with God. I don't feel good about my relationship with Him because I don't feel the output, the benefits of connection with Him. But this experience has been an opportunity for me to stay. I'm still here, even though there are no rewards. I don't feel very present, and I don't feel I've been the greatest person lately. But I somehow remain, and I've been given the strength to.

Tonight I was also given a good metaphor. Kids should eat their green beans. And most of the time they have to be given some sort incentive to eat them. "Eat the rest of your green beans, and you can have dessert." Good deal! But what about when there is no dessert? When the kid is posed with a decision free from incentive, what an opportunity to grow in maturity. Someone has truly grown up when they can eat their green beans when there's no dessert, when they can act outside of foreseeing a reward for their actions.

I feel like this is my opportunity to eat my green beans, to cling to God and seek relationship with him, without eating dessert too and feeling the rewarding experience of connecting with God.

Because He trusts me enough to have this experience. He trusts that I'll stay.

I am so honored that He feels He can. And I have never been so blessed to feel so little of God.

Rambling!

2010-07-03T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm reading Ephesians 1. It first talks about how much God loves us, even before He created the world; and how he's had plans for us to be in Christ all along.

Affirming.

I've struggled with God's love these last few months. I feel I've lost touch with being able to believe and receive it. Why do I fear God doesn't love forever?

I know God speaks. I just don't know how. But reading this passage, I got a sense that God was saying, I loved you before I created the world, so what on earth makes you think I'd stop now?

Silly girl. :)

This song means a lot to me right now because of this.

Anyway, onto the rest of Ephesians 1. Paul transitions from God's love and kindness into how He shows us his plans.

"He has showered his kindness on us, along with all wisdom and understanding. God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ - everything in heaven and earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan." (v. 8-11)

God will bring everything back to himself. That's his plan.

Whenever I hear the word plan or anything like it, I get in this weird mode where I think about how it can pertain to me. Oh God is talking about plans! I should listen up so I can apply them to my life! But this passage somewhat stops me in my tracks. His plan is huge, but simple. It doesn't really involve internships or a 10 year plan. So do all my detailed plans really matter? I know the little things contribute to the big picture, and one thing leads to another, guiding you to end up where you're meant to be (is "meant" even the right word?). But why the detailed paths? Does it matter whether I take this job or that? Whether I go to this school or that one?

Maybe not. The point is to draw near to God! To be in relationship with Him! To be part of the restoration of his kingdom (goodness there could be pages and pages written about what that means ... )!

I was skimming through a book a friend of mine owns, and I read something in it that changed my mindset (and thank God for that). The author says that the most important task is not what you do, but who you become; and that your life is God's project. Maybe it's not so much about what kind of career I have (although it's right for me to do something I love), but the kind of character I build within myself. I think our main focus in life is misplaced. We think about where we're going and what we'll do with our lives. These are good foci, but not the point.

My eyes have been opened to taking advantage of opportunities to become a better person, a more complete version of myself. I think it's safe to say that our acts of service are most important to building our selflessness. Our commitment to God in quiet times is not to build discipline as much as it is to build ourselves more in the likeness of God. We ask God to make us better people; well I believe He gives us opportunities to build ourselves as such rather than just changing our character.

This frees me.

DOOD.

2010-06-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Warning: there are KILLER BEES in South Central Wisconsin.

Well ... that's what my coworker walked into work saying today. He told me he's seen these GIANT bees since he got to Madison three years ago, but no one's believed him. So naturally, since the sighting was in bushes just down the hill from us, we decided to go get one.

It was intriguing. And so scary.

I thought they were small birds. I could tell from VERY far away that these bees (wasps actually, as we found out later) were GINORMOUS. A few made a beeline near our faces and my life flashed before my eyes. We, uh, kind of disrupted parking lot traffic trying to get away, much to the amusement of the drivers.

Oh it was horrifying, but we had to get us a dang WASP! My coworker swung left and right with a net while I kept a safe distance. I mean ... uh ... I valiantly helped him!

When he snagged one (not the biggest, but satisfying enough given we're both allergic), I swooped in with a plastic jar and we slowly but surely got our catch.

The wasp frightened us all the way back up to our lab. Buzzing, flailing, FREAKING OUT. We were safely on the other side of the plastic, but can plastic really hold a vicious, cicada eating KILLER?!

Yes ... yes, it can. But you never know.

Upon further research (oh, we're so scholarly), we found that this wasp is called a "cicada killer." Yeah they EAT cicadas. No big deal. These wasps can grow to over an inch and a half. Want that to sting you? Yup, me neither. That's why I hunt them ...

By the way, ours is named Killer.

Help me out!

2010-06-25T17:21:00.000-07:00

I read over the 25th proverb the other day, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what verse 28 means:

A person without self-control

is like a city with broken-down walls. (NLT)

I'm not sure reading a proverb contextually really does much, and I've tried to contemplate this verse to figure out the imagery ... but ... I'm lost.

Tell me what you think!!

Just to Post

2010-06-09T18:14:00.000-07:00

I am really tired.

I started work in a Zoology lab here on campus. We work with aphids. What's an aphid, you ask? Well I didn't know either. But here you go ...

Say hello to sap-sucking "tree lice." I love 'em already.

2010-05-30T11:36:00.000-07:00

I desire community. I need it. I need it I need it.

I get to go to camp in two weeks. And I am so utterly excited. You know why? Because I feel that is my place to belong. It's a place I fit in. Where people know me. And I can be real. Because realness takes a ridiculously long time for me. And sometimes realness requires that people ask the right questions. And the right questions require actually knowing a person.

Today I went to church, per usual. I saw community, but did not feel I was a part. It's too soon. Not for me to let go and allow it (ok, maybe a little bit), but for relationships to develop.

This community is amazing. They passed their babies around during the service. They commemorated a member's mother's death a year ago by singing and praying for her soul. They cheered and celebrated with the announcement of a first-time expecting mother. So beautiful.

They simply don't know me, and I don't know them. Honestly, today was a hard day. But something of massive size keeps me from opening up about it. At least this early. I was asked a few times how I am. And I lied. I said good.

Until a man I've only had small talk with approached me to ask me how my first week without Curt is going.

He asked the right question because he knew that part of me.

And because of this, I was able to open up a bit. Of course, I didn't fall into his arms weeping. But was honest about how difficult the first week is and why. He understood, but he didn't get awkward. He maintained his joy. I knew his joyful spirit before I knew his name. I don't think he knows how much that small question and that ounce of joy meant to me. Maybe I'll tell him someday. : )

Sigh, community. At the speed you require to develop, I will still wait for you.

Bring those Burdens

2010-05-29T18:04:00.001-07:00

I'm reading through a few booklets on Orthodoxy (cute, I know). And today I tackled Practical Prayer, an interview with Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh. Besides being a really wise man, he mentioned something that I thought was really cool.

The interviewer asked about the hectic lifestyle of many Westerners and how it interferes with a prayerful life. I thought he'd respond with a challenge to get rid of all distractions and make our lives more simple! But he took a different approach.

"Very often people say, 'I would like to pray undistractedly, and yet concerns press upon me.' Why push the concerns out? Very often they are God's concerns, more than ours.

"Before we try to be with God in serenity and peace and stillness, we should turn to Him and say, 'Lord here are a few things that worry and torment me.' Someone's illness, someone's enmity of mind, even small things like the worry of a child preparing for an exam - there is nothing too small for God. Present the whole thing to God in detail, saying everything that you've got to say. And then make an act of faith, and say to God, 'I have put it in Your hands, I will now leave it in Your hands for a short while.'

"You can add, if you are honest, 'I don't think that I'll be able to leave it for long, because I don't trust You enough. I will take it back because I feel in my worry this problem is more central, perhaps, than You do.' (You will discover later that this is not true, but still we must often start that way.) And then once you have given it to God, say, 'Now Lord, let us be together for a short while.'

"You would do precisely the same thing, would you not, with a wife or a friend. You would come loaded with worry, and you couldn't simply enjoy the company, the happiness of being together. You would first say, 'Oh, I've had such a heavy day,' and tell your wife or your mother or your friend of the worry of the day. Having unburdened yourself you could then sit back and say, 'Ah, how lovely it is to be together.'"

I sometimes fall into a rut of saying what I think should be said to God instead of my reality. My concerns stay concerns because I think they're too small. Goodness, why would I bother the God of the universe with the subtleties of life? I remember His massiveness, but neglect His desire to sweat the details. I don't think this allows us to dwell on the things that don't matter, but to give the small things to God, take care of them in any way we can, and get over them.

So unburden yourself. And do it to God. Then you can enjoy Him.

My Guy

2010-05-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you about the person I am proud of most. His name is Curtis Gaynor and we've been close for 10 whole years. He still blows me away with what an amazing man he's become. I get to see many sides of him and am honored to be dating him.

We've been long distance, but now there's a new twist on things. Today, we said goodbye for the 143rd time (or so it seems). But this time, he's off to Japan to serve as an ensign officer in the Navy. In part, I cope by bragging about him. It gives me back the perspective of why he has to be gone. I have a selfish side that wants him with me always. But I wouldn't have our lives be any other way. I'm too proud of his adventures.

He's been in ROTC at the University of Michigan for the past 4 years. It has really matured him beyond his high school days. He's had the opportunity to serve in various leadership roles, ending as the XO (executive officer, 2nd in command) for his battalion. I rarely got to see him in action, but he tells me his leadership philosophies and they are fantastic.

At the beginning of May, he was commissioned by president Obama himself, handed off the baton to his minors, and got his first salute.

Oh and he received a sword for outstanding leadership. No big deal. : P

Curt's a great dancer. He took a ballroom class at school and loved it, so he invested himself in learning swing. This past week, we went out dancing twice and got complimented a ton. I tell people it's all him; I just follow a great lead. We went out to Diamondback Saloon in Belleville, MI, and the lead singer of their house band approached us to tell us how cute we were dancing. Ha.

I am also proud of his chivalry. Oh it is not dead. I have proof. When I'm with him, I never have to open a door, not because I am unable, but because I'm a beautiful woman and should be treated with the utmost care. I'm also not allowed to forget how beautiful I am. I couldn't, with someone telling me every 5 minutes.

Curtis is the biggest goofball. For how mature he is, he never takes himself too seriously.

Senior prom.

He wouldn't stop blowing on my neck until I agreed to mess up a formal picture with him.

Yup, that would be an entire cupcake going into his mouth ...

He connects well with people. He just does. Any kind of person. In a group, Curt will talk to the person he knows the least until he knows all about them. He pursues people like it's his job, and truly finds joy in it.

Like me, Curt's a dreamer. We fit together well because we're both ambitious - but I dream the dreams and he thinks of the practicalities of how to make them a reality.

And most important, Curt loves God. In 7th grade, he was the one who showed me who God really is and inspired me to pursue relationship with Him. Curt's life has been one of pursuing God and pursuing true Church. His faith is unlike any other that I've seen.

All these words are nothing compared to experiencing him. So I hope someday you'll get to meet Curt. He's memorable by his character and his charisma; and you'll be glad to know him.

The Shout House

2010-05-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

I was in Minneapolis last week and hit up the Shout House, a dueling piano bar downtown.

It was amazing. They have two very rustic grand pianos set up for their oh-so-talented pianists to perform on. You make a request, they play your song.

They performed The Devil Went Down to Georgia, and I think I stopped breathing. I was absolutely STUNNED by the way they performed it. Their hands were fluttering. By the end of it, my jaw was dropped, my hands were on my head, and I was helplessly stunned. Just in time for the soloist to look straight at me. Ha, well at least he knows how well he did. Awesome, amazing; but don't take my word for it, check out the link.

t minus ...

2010-05-10T12:30:00.000-07:00

In two hours and thirty three minutes, I will take a physics final. But I no longer care to overkill my studying. See, a couple years ago, I would've killed myself to know every potential problem, every concept, every detail. But the desire to nit pick beyond a weeked of studying has faded, and I find myself searching for zen in a biology library instead of drilling more last-minute information into my head. Wow, I have changed. Good change? Not sure yet. I'll let you know how that final goes.

I have the desire to work my butt off. But not for this. Not for things I learn only to pass the exams. But then again, there are requirements, however useful or useless, that compose the path to your dreams. I guess we all just have to work through the things we care little about in order to pursue the things we do.

Thank you to every physicist out there. I love your impact on the world and appreciate the way your mind works.

Genocide is a harsh word.

2010-05-05T13:22:00.000-07:00

This is super interesting. Read it, especially if you're a vegetarian. : )

Education.

2010-05-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate people with higher education. Ph.D.'s. Career academics. But I don't want it for myself. I want to graduate, yes. But the sooner, the better.

I'm pretty tired of having to focus on things I don't care about, thus not being able to focus on the things I want to invest in. I want life experience. And it would be great to read a book of my own choosing for once.

I don't want to go to grad school. I don't. At first, I thought this was selfish. Knowledge is power; am I really equipping myself well enough to change the world? To fulfill my passions?

Ask me this now and I'll say yes. I follow my heart now. I accept what it says. God puts things there, right?

I think part of me still hopes that someday I'll want grad school. : )

I'm surrounded every day with ridiculously smart people. People with research projects and fellowships. Post docs and professors. With immense knowledge on how the world works far beyond anything I could understand (and that's okay). People with academic ambitions. I'm finally realizing and accepting that my ambitions are just different.

I like being in control of how I learn. I just learn. I just do. I think. And ponder. And sift. And filter. School has become hindering. Because it takes away my time to self-educate and tries to fit me into a different mold. I don't want to read that book or do that problem or make that calculation because I'm pretty sure none of it will help me learn anything. Except for an exam that won't help me actually learn anything either.

In light of this, I really appreciate these secrets from post-secret:

ha.

My Uniqueness

2010-05-03T06:46:00.000-07:00

I’m finding that I think differently than a lot of people. At least the people I’m around. I’m a Zoology major. I’m a Christian. I’m a woman. But in many of these spheres, my opinions differ from the majority.

I don’t oppose primate research in all circumstances. And I think many animal rights activists are rigid in their beliefs and are emotional.

I think cruelty to animals hurts us, too. Maybe our species more than theirs. I’m probably slightly speciesist.

Vegetarianism: as of yet, I support it more for the health benefits than for the ethical concerns. I don’t think it achieves the goal of more humane treatment of the animals we consume.

I’m an evolutionist. And I also know that God is Creator. I do not believe these two ideas are fundamentally different.

If you try to comfort me with a cliche, it’s no comfort at all. Even if it’s Truth.

I believe that wives are to submit to husbands and husbands are to love their wives. I also believe that we misunderstand what this means, and that misunderstanding in and of itself is what pisses us off.

I think God created male and female roles perfectly. But we try to create equality by being each other. It doesn’t work very well.

I agree that knowledge is power, but I also believe that it can imprison us. I don’t want to go to grad school. I want to be a mom. And I want to stay home with my kids. Grey’s Anatomy made me cry this week because Sloan had a baby. LoL.

: )

Careful what you say.

2010-04-15T16:40:00.001-07:00

Today my Psych 450 lecture was told that we need to hug our grandparents because,

"Nobody likes to touch old people."

Baha. Thank you, Professor Coe. Thank you.

Oh Carry On, All You Minstrel's of the World.

2010-04-13T09:35:00.000-07:00

Breathe out.

I don't even know where to start - it's been long enough where I have a lot of updates, but feel they are unimportant compared to the underlying condition of my heart and what I am learning. And even that is a heavy topic.

I'm burnt out. And I think the reason spring break and this last weekend (spent in Winnipeg) weren't enough for me to feel completely refreshed and motivated again is because I've never been burnt out like this. I don't think it's a higher level of burn out, just a form manifested from a longer period of time of exhaustion.

These last few years have been so insane. I don't even want to go over it all - I fear I'll fall into complaining.

I've made a lot of decisions in the last few days to take steps back. I'm not used to doing that and I already feel my worth-meter going down. I mean, I honestly don't do that much with my time, but what I've invested in (school, mostly) takes its toll.

I feel like this is choppy. Apologies. You're probably really confused and I don't blame you. I am, too. But, I guess choppy describes what my life is like right now, so maybe it's fitting.

I need my God back. He's here but I'm ... just existing. And I feel like my heart is five years in the future. But I'm physically here. In 2010. Having to go through the motions of what's required of me for the here and now. But all I want to do is grow up and have kids of my own. It feels weird to say that. This desire has never been so strong. Whenever I see mothers, I'm captivated. I want to be them. I've already thought so much about how I would mother, what kind of mom I want to be.

At the same time, this terrifies me because you can't go back. And I plan to make my kids a BIG investment.

But they (whoever "they" are) are my passion right now. I want to calm down. LoL.

I'm all over the place. But I think blogging will help clear some things up. There's so much floating around in my head, maybe putting it out into the world will help things make sense.

What a whirlwind.

A Break for Now

2010-03-04T21:33:00.001-08:00

Oh hai.

I've found myself at a place where I need to refocus. God is a blur. I am a blur. And I just can't see straight.

So I'm taking the steps I feel necessary to clear my head up a bit. I'm trying to shed off everything that's hindering me right now.

And unfortunately, I think blogging is one of those things.

I just need life to be more simple. So I'm gonna take a break.

Oh I'll miss you. I'll be back probably after lent is over.

I leave you with a prayer I really like. I pray it every morning and night. It's an orthodox prayer. And it speaks my heart. At some points, you just don't know what to say to God. So things like this are nice.

O Lord, I know not what to ask of thee. Thou alone knowest what are my true needs. Thou lovest me more than I myself know how to love. Help me to see my real needs which are concealed from me. I dare not ask either a cross or consolation. I can only wait on thee. My heart is open to thee. Visit and help me, for thy great mercy's sake. Strike me and heal me, cast me down and raise me up. I worship in silence thy holy will and thine inscrutable ways. I offer myself as a sacrifice to thee. You have said, O Lord, "A man's mind plans his ways, but the Lord directs his steps" (Prov. 16.9). Do not forsake me, O Lord, for I have put all my trust in thee. I have no other desire than to fulfill thy will. Teach me how to pray. Pray thou thyself in me. Amen.

2010-02-23T18:33:00.001-08:00

Surely God would not have created

such a being as man to exist only for a day!

No, no, man was made for immortality.

{Abraham Lincoln}

Story

2010-02-20T19:37:00.001-08:00

I'm having the issues any college kid has. What on earth am I doing with my life and am I cut out for it? I know what I love. But I'm not crazy about research. Or grad school. So with the advice of a wise priest, I'm allowing my passions to be refined. Oh, my passions have a core to them, but they're always changing as I change.

I don't want to become this fantastic researcher who writes scholarly articles and has 1,345 years of schooling and training under my belt. I don't want that. And I'm learning that that's okay.

New refinement? I want to become an African safari guide.

This thought came to me in class after weeks and weeks of thinking thoughts of, OOF what am I going to do with myself?!? And immediately what came to me was peace. I want this. And I want the path that will take me there. Phew.

So I started researching. Well what do you need to do to get there? How do I get myself this ambition that I want?

It's not easy.

Intense knowledge (involving research and reading on your own time - they don't really teach you) of African animals, their behavior, and ecosystems.

The utmost first aid training.

Pass the safari guide certification exam.

Hopefully get hired in Africa, despite the fact that they most commonly hire natives. [Which makes sense - can I ethically take a job from a native?? Maybe I'll just let them decide.]

Among other things - I won't rattle off the whole list.

But after sighing a big ol' discouraged sigh, I had to stop and think to myself. Do I want it to be easy? What was I expecting? This is a crazy awesome ambition. It takes work. It takes sweat. It might take my blood. So I've been trying ever since to believe in myself. I want this to be more than a pipe dream.

It brought me back to the most inspiring talk I've ever heard. I've probably mentioned it before, but I'll refresh in case you haven't. It's titled "Story" by Donald Miller. He talks about making good stories of our lives. Living good stories through wanting the right things and having hard ambitions that you pursue with all that you are. When you come across something that stands in your way, kick it down, master it, and keep moving on toward your goal. Want much, and go get 'em.

If you're ambitious (which would definitely prove worth it), you can download it here.

One of my favorite parts is the benediction Don offers at the end from Robert McKee, a screenwriter and speaker on writing great stories. It is as follows.

Write everyday.

Line by line.

Page by page.

Hour by hour.

Do this despite fear, for above all else, beyond imagination and skill,

what the world asks of you is courage.

Courage to risk rejection, ridicule, and failure.

As you follow the quest of stories told with meaning and beauty,

Study thoughtfully,

But write boldly.

Then like the hero of the fable, your dance will dazzle the world.

Environmental Injustice

2010-02-19T16:14:00.000-08:00

It seems that justice issues seem to follow you everywhere you go.

I'm in a biological conservation class. And it's pretty depressing. Oh, the dire straights that is our world today and that is the future we see ahead of us. My professor, Dr. Treves, tells us to hold onto the success stories of conservation instead of letting ourselves fall depressed to the things we're studying.

Let me tell ya, it's difficult.

In our Tuesday lecture, it got harder.

Actually, I almost started crying right there in White 4281 lecture hall. I had to choke back a scream and thank the Lord for the dim lights hiding my red face.

I'm embarrassed for us. It seem our injustice knows no bounds.

It's even environmental.

Ok. I'll explain. Sorry to make you wait.

I'm sure you've heard of the greenhouse effect. I'll let you read up on it (or not, your choice) - but the jist of it is that greenhouse gases (CO₂, methane, etc) keep in heat. Solar radiation comes to the earth and is converted to infrared radiation. Greenhouse gases let through solar radiation, but not infrared. So ↑ greenhouse gases ↑ infrared radiation remaining in our atmosphere ↑ heat. You get me?

This leads to climate change. Intense climate change like we're experiencing = not good. This doesn't just mean things are getting warmer, necessarily. Things are just ... changing. Some places are warmer, some are colder, some are dryer, some are wetter ... it's complex.

When it comes to injustice, it spans to the environmental, too.

A professor at in the Nelson Institute for Environmental Studies here at UW-Madison, Jonathan Patz, did a study on who's emitting the most greenhouse gases and who's suffering the consequences.

Get this. The places that are emitting the most greenhouse gases into the atmosphere (let's be honest - it's the US) aren't reaping the consequences. Actually, it's an inverse relationship. People in the nations using the fewest carbon compounds are experiencing the most climate-change-related deaths.

These images ruined my life.

This is a map showing who emits how much CO₂ greenhouse gas. The redder the color, the more CO₂ we give off. This isn't something you'd put on your fridge.

And this one is estimated climate-change-related deaths in the same year. Again, the redder the color, the more deaths. Yup. The opposite.

Unfortunately, I must admit that I don't really know what a climate-change-related death looks like. I don't know what that means. This is where my post falls short. But I am sooooo interested in this topic and it freaking breaks my heart. I'm gonna have to pay a visit to good ol' Dr. Patz to pick his brain. So I'll get back to you on this incredibly incomplete post.

Awkward Questions About Jesus

2010-02-16T06:32:00.000-08:00

I found a hilarious video of kids asking a priest questions about Jesus.

You gotta see it!

James "Rhio" O'Connor

2010-02-14T19:08:00.000-08:00

I recently came across the James O'Connor Scholarship. All applicants are to post their essay somewhere online, so I'm choosing to post it here! Enjoy - it's definitely a hefty, but interesting topic.

The story of James “Rhio” O’Connor is an inspiring one, to say in the least. When diagnosed with Mesothelioma, a cancer that infects the protective lining of many of the body’s internal organs, he did not degrade physically and emotionally as expected. Instead, James practiced his battle cry and put it to use by changing his diet, implementing mind-body medicine, and committing himself to the research of his own disease. He prolonged his death by understanding his enemy and devoting himself to fighting it with every breath. The strength we saw in James was remarkable, and it beckons us to ask ourselves what we would do if faced with the same life or death challenges. It’s hard to determine my own actions after hearing a dire prognosis, and I can only offer what I hope I would do. The following is an outline of the steps I would hope to have the strength to take.

First, I would take a trip. This is what Jame’s doctor suggested he do first, but I’d take a different approach than what was intended by the doctor. In his case, it was for spending time with his wife before entering hospice care. For me, the goal would be to clear my head and start fresh on the battle I would be facing. At home, I know I would be overwhelmed not only with the responses to my diagnosis of my family and friends, but also the temptation to keep going with life’s responsibilities. Taking a trip would take me out of that context to focus whole-heartedly on what kind of battle I would want to face and to be reenergized and empowered to face cancer head-on.

In these times, and after finishing this perspective-clearing essay even, relationships would be the most important to me. I would spend ridiculous amounts of time with my friends and family, not to prepare for death but to enrich my life. I know that alone I would fall prey to discouragement and depression. The support system I have in the people I love would be essential to my strength. Simply spending time with them would build my morale and prove to strengthen our relationships, which is a worthy ambition. I don’t think anyone on their death bed had wished they would’ve spent more time at work or going to school. When it comes down to it, people care about family. I hope a brush with death like this (but not a submission to it) would set my heart on the people I love.

This is based on what I’m learning lately - that no matter how bad or hard life can get, if you have good people in your life whom you care for deeply and who deeply care for you, life is rich. I feel that if my life weren’t turning out as I had hoped, but I had deep relationships with family and friends, I would still be content. Essentially, people are what matter. So upon a chronic diagnosis, I would fill my life more and more with people.

I think what I would do treatment-wise is research doctors. I’m a zoology major, so I know a thing or two about how the body works, but I know I would have little interest in committing most of myself to research. I give all due respect to James and his pursuits, and I wish I had research ambitions like he did. Knowing my own personality, I am aware of my own potential to obsess over something. If I were to begin research beyond a healthy level, I would simply go overboard. I would instead find a gusty, risk-taking, innovative doctor. I would want to stay alive as long as possible, just as James did, and I feel that requires a doctor who’s willing to take the risks that others aren’t.

I’m a Grey’s Anatomy fan, and this last point reminds me of a case Dr. Derek Shepherd had in one of the recent episodes. He had a patient who came in with a tumor surrounding his spinal cord, an equation that automatically equals inoperable. But this patient had been researching Dr. Shepherd for quite some time and decided that Dr. Shepherd’s heart and his talent in surgery would give the best chances for success in operating. This patient asked Dr. Shepherd to operate on an inoperable tumor. After much thought, Dr. Shepherd agreed to be as brave as his patient. It turned out well in the end - the patient lived spinal tumor-free. I understand that this is a hollywood-influenced dramatization of a very unlikely result. But I would not want to put figures and percentages on the risks I’m taking and instead decide what kind of life I would still want to lead - a life with as little cancer in my body as possible, a life as normal as possible, a life of mobility and ability.

This essay’s a difficult one to write. We pity those who have cancer, who have to face death all too frequently. But at the same time, we remove ourselves from their picture. We’re happy that the same thing isn’t happening to us and we refuse to begin thinking about the what-ifs. When forced with the task of contemplating what you would do, it becomes more real, more of a possibility. God forbid, if I am ever faced with a situation like James O’Connor, my hope is that I would hold true to the brave ideals of rejecting your prognosis and deciding that you want something better. My hope is that I would find perspective and that the people in my life would rightfully become my primary passion and my empowerment. My hope is that I would fight harder and harder every successive day, and that I would be brave enough to take the risks I feel necessary.

word count: 983

Mmmmmonkeys!

2010-02-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

So my posts have been pretty surface-level lately. I have plenty of deep things to write about, but as for now, I'm in the biology library (just discovered it!) studying for my Animal Behavior of Primates exam on Tuesday. It goes to show how much of a nerd I am because I'm having the time of my life studying for this exam. Monkeys are so cool! Will you help me study by receiving some awesome primate facts?

Prosimians are considered to be primates but are the precursor to monkeys - their ancestor. They live nocturnally in mainland Africa (as to not compete with day dwelling monkeys and apes who are bigger than them!) but have free reign on Madagascar. Here, the aye aye (shown below) is the "black cat" - if you cross one, bad luck!

The slender loris is a slooooow moving prosimian. This is how they go undetected by prey - they move so slow that no one even knows it's there. If predator or prey catch on, it freezes and become completely immobile and silent. They even have an special network of blood vessels in their wrists and hands that prevents their limbs from falling asleep (I hate the prickleys!).

Fat-tailed dwarf lemurs hibernate for up to eight months by keeping fat in their tails.

The indri got its name because the word "indri" means "there it is" in the language of Madagascar. The first European explorers took what their native guide said when first sighting the prosimian as its name.

The Tarsier is thought to be the link between prosimians and anthropoids (the rest of the primates) because it has traits of both. They have HUGE eyeballs which are larger and weigh more than its brain. Their eyeballs have little mobility, so they turn their heads like owls to see things. They also contribute nicely to this video. Never fails for a laugh. Har har.

The Capuchin is the smartest South American monkey. Most African monkeys are considered to be more intelligent than those of South America, but the Capuchin holds its own in this arena. Because of this, it's used in many movies and is considered the "organ grinder" monkey. If you see a monkey like this in a film set in Africa, you'll now know it's misplaced!

I think the Cotton Top Tamarin looks like James Earl Jones.

Some old world monkeys (of Africa and Asia) have ischial callosities. They're basically sex skins on their butts that follow the menstrual cycle. Well that's a nice color cue for when it's mating time ... These skins also swell, which is ... unappealing.

Rafiki is a mandrill : )

Blood typing and our "Rh factor" were discovered through the rhesus macaque. "Rh" actually stands for rhesus. Research that led to the polio vaccine was also done with rhesus macaques.

The vervet is thought to be the source of HIV, or at least how it was passed on to humans. Among them is a disease called SIV [Simian (meaning monkey) Immunodeficiency Virus] that was passed from them to chimps and then to us. But the difference is, SIV isn't fatal to these monkeys, unlike our case.

Orangutan means "old man of the forest" in Malay. Thus, how they got their name.

Gorillai means "tribe of hairy women." And this is how the gorilla got its name - European explorers thought a group of gorillas was just a bunch of really hairy women. Gosh, people are smart. LoL!

Gorillas have a sagittal crest on the crown of their skull. This is the result of their crazy strong jaw muscles - the muscles push the bone up into a crest. This creates more places for the muscle to hold, so it can gain even more power.

Primates are found in South America, Africa and Madagascar, as well as Asia. But the Amazon contains more monkey diversity than Africa and Asia combined. So if these monkey facts peaked your interest, head to the Amazon and see for yourself!

The Results Are In!

2010-02-08T06:57:00.000-08:00

I heard back from some people, and here's some more soul! Enjoy - I sure am!

Brendan James (he's amazing and gets two). Ingrid Michaelson. Angel Taylor. Leona Lewis. Maria Mena. Secondhand Serenade. William Fitzsimmons. Aaaaand one more Glen Hansard.

: )

Baby, you got soul.

2010-02-07T12:39:00.000-08:00

I love hearing new beautiful things. The latest beauty is Fay Wolf. It's silly, really, because I heard her song, "Yours," on Grey's Anatomy. I stopped listening to the dialogue because this song is so captivating to me. I love artists with soooooul, and she's definitely got it.

Others with soul? Adele. Glen Hansard. Amos Lee. Norah Jones. Jacob & Lily. Sara Bareilles.

Overwhelmed yet? Well, I'm not! Shoot some more at me if you know of more soul-filled singers. Must. Have. More!

2010-02-06T11:18:00.001-08:00

I'm having a really good day today.

Thank you, Indie Coffee. : )

LoLoLoL!

2010-02-05T07:47:00.000-08:00

I love LoL cats. I really do. If you don't know what they are, you will by the end of this post. And hey, you'll probably love them as much as I do. People take pictures of cats and caption them to fit the gesture or facial expression the cats making. This makes the picture 100 times more funny. LoL cats make you LoL. Pretty simple.

The poster child for LoL cats is the "Can I has cheezburger?" cat.

Here are some of my other favorites. LoL away. : )

No matter how your day was going, isn't it so much better now?

LoLoLoLoL ...

Raw

2010-02-03T14:15:00.000-08:00

I've been inspired to be more raw. I think when we're raw, when we're real about how we are, we realize that we can relate to people more than we thought.

My friend, Beth, just started her own blog. I know her, I would say, pretty well. She's just a really interesting person; and she's told me many of her stories. Her blog is so raw. You immediately know how interesting she is and how abnormal her life is. But you can still relate to her worries.

So ... here I go. Raw.

I've been on the verge of falling apart lately. In class. With friends. It's because I'm terrified for life. I already feel like I'm not measuring up to this crazy ambitious life that's been set before me. But the thing is, I may not be. I know that God uses ordinary people. I'm not that smart, really I'm not, but I'm convinced that I'm called. I think drive and passion can get you further than intelligence (though it is also important). And we all have to remember that God is the one who is able and He is the one who's empowered.

Everyone I talk to about my future advocates research. I'm just ... not into it. I'm a zoologist who doesn't like zoos or research. Ok? I'm looking into research opportunities for this summer and to be honest, I don't really care about the response of fat cells to this and/or that, or the invasive species of Lake Superior. But should I? Even if I can't care, should I grin and bear it for what I think will get me proper credentials? Cuz I don't know what else there is.

Who do wildlife conservation organizations hire? Researchers. Or attorneys. Baha.

I just want to be someone who cares. I don't want to go to grad school because I should. I want to go to grad school because I want to. But as of now, I have little desire to. That's the thing ...

When I walk by a lab, or a classroom full of people, I think competition. It starts to wear on you when you feel like you're competing for your dreams. Especially when it feels like you're the one who's losing. All those people in there are doing better than I am ... crap.

In bible study this week, my friend Emily said something that I needed to hear. We were talking about just being you, and how much you miss out on when you're not.

Imagine that all different kinds of animals are together. Lions, giraffes, dogs, alligators, panda bears, birds ... and a peacock. The peacock is so unique. But if the peacock sees other animals and realizes that it's not like any other creature, it may start to wish it were like the others. How tragic to have a peacock rolling around in sand in order to be more like a lion, or pulling out its long feathers to be more like other, smaller birds.

Basically, be who you are, and I'll try to be who I am, too.

Anthropomorphism. Say what?!

2010-02-01T09:49:00.001-08:00

I am learning so much.

My classes are blowing my mind and shaking everything I thought about animals. It's crazy! One thing we're discussing is animal culture. Yeah, animal culture. I hadn't heard anything along those lines either. But if you think about it, culture can be described simply as what we learn from generations before us; behaviors, rituals, etc. that we don't inherently know, but are taught to us. I'm sure if I grew up in East Asia, I would have Chinese culture instead of American, even if I was caucasian. I would not have learned what it means to have American culture because of my different context.

Animals do the same. They pass down rituals and behaviors that are not instinct. Mothers, fathers, and other adults in a population teach their youngsters how to live. Some behaviors are innate, while others are learned.

This brings up anthropomorphism. Yup, big word. I'll explain it to the best of my ability, but bear with me. I'm just learning it myself. Anthropomorphism (this bold font is starting to make this look like a text book - so sorry!) is our tendency to think that animals are just like us, that their behaviors reflect what the same behavior would reflect if we were to perform it. Some people like to think that we know what it's like to be other animals. Have you ever guessed what's going on in your cat's mind when she does something?

I'm reading The Ape and the Sushi Master by Frans de Waal for one of my classes, and it lays out pretty well how animal culture is different from human culture, just as different cultures from across the world are different from our own. I think there are some universals between anthropological cultures - a smile, laughter, certain gestures and tone of voice. But the difference between animal and human culture is to an even higher degree.

de Waal writes,

Without experience with primates, one might think a grinning rhesus monkey must be delighted, or that a chimpanzee running toward another with loud grunts must be in an aggressive mood. But primatologists know from hours of watching that rhesus bare their teeth when intimidated and that chimpanzees often grunt when they meet and embrace. In other words, a grinning rhesus monkey signals submission, and grunting by a chimpanzee serves as a greeting. In this way the careful observer arrives at an informed anthropomorphism that is often at odds with extrapolations from human behavior (74).

I think we need a healthy balance between anthropomorphism (believing that animals express themselves the same ways we do and that any realizations about ourselves can be made about animals also) and anthropodenial (coined by de Waal to denote our belief that we have absolutely nothing in common with animals - we can't relate to them or learn anything about ourselves when studying them, and that we need to keep a safe distance in research as to not get connected to our subjects). You cannot understand culture, why a person or individual acts the way they do, innately. It takes time, careful observation, and humility that realizes not everyone is like you.

You may be concerned about my readiness to compare the apples of humans to the oranges of animals. We are simply not the same and I believe that we are God's crown of creation. These ideas will be messy as I sift through them. They probably won't be pretty and they might make you cringe. But I believe that in the mess, I'll be able to figure out for myself what I believe about our human responsibility when it comes to interacting with animals. God gave us dominion over animals - but what does that mean? Jesus certainly redefined this word for us.

Anyway, bear with me. I think animals are more important than we give them credit for. I care for them. God cares for them. And my ideas and beliefs are being oh so shaken.

I Once Was Lost ...

2010-01-20T19:47:00.000-08:00

I just want to refer you to a blog post that I just read. This is exactly what I needed to hear and it may be liberating to you, too. We all have our deserts, our dry spots - where we feel lost and a bit confused. We ask questions we never thought we would. Where is God? Why don't know Him like I used to? What's the point of this? Where'd my passion go? I'm learning that this is weakness, but God can use it. We need the desert, just like we need the oasis. The desert is where we learn who we really are, and where we are refined to be who God intended.

Find it here.

It's not about YOU.

2010-01-13T09:46:00.000-08:00

What do people get for all their hard work under the sun?

Generations come and generations go, but the earth never changes.

The sun rises and the sun sets, then hurries around to rise again.

The wind blows south, and then turns north.

Around and around it goes, blowing in circles.

Rivers run into the sea, but the sea is never full.

Then the water returns again to the rivers and flows out again to the sea.

Everything is wearisome beyond description.

No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied.

No matter how much we hear, we are not content.

History merely repeats itself.

It has all been done before.

Nothing under the sun is truly new.

Sometimes people say, "Here is something new!"

But actually it is old;

nothing is ever truly new.

We don't remember what happened in the past,

and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now.

{Ecclesiastes 1:3-11}

I think we often forget that it's not about us. We go on doing our own work, when really, it will all fade when we die. Maybe even before that.

It's not about me and it's not about you. But we make it so. And we'll be left with nothing to show for it.

Historical Talents

2010-01-08T09:17:00.001-08:00

It's been a while! I've been unmotivated to blog. I'm home for the holidays and am just enjoying being here. : )

But today I came across an amazing video of the winner of Ukraine's Got Talent, Kseniya Simonova. She's an artist who uses sand to draw a series of pictures about Ukrainian citizens who were affected by German invasion during World War II.

Here's an explanation of the series of pictures Kseniya creates:

"She begins by creating a scene showing a couple sitting holding hands on a bench under a starry sky, but then warplanes appear and the happy scene is obliterated.

It is replaced by a woman’s face crying, but then a baby arrives and the woman smiles again. Once again war returns and Miss Simonova throws the sand into chaos from which a young woman’s face appears.

She quickly becomes an old widow, her face wrinkled and sad, before the image turns into a monument to an Unknown Soldier.

This outdoor scene becomes framed by a window as if the viewer is looking out on the monument from within a house.

In the final scene, a mother and child appear inside and a man standing outside, with his hands pressed against the glass, saying goodbye.

The Great Patriotic War, as it is called in Ukraine , resulted in one in four of the population being killed with eight to 11 million deaths out of a population of 42 million."

Take a look.

Oh ... No ...

2009-12-09T18:27:00.000-08:00

So Uganda is considering a bill that will allow the government to kill all their homosexuals. And potentially everyone who's HIV-positive.

I am floored. Take a look. Please take the time to read the whole thing and you'll realize that the world has a long way to go. Our struggle with human rights is long from over.

PostSecret

2009-12-03T07:46:00.000-08:00

I love the PostSecret blog.

PostSecret is a place you can send your secrets and remain anonymous. At first, I thought it was a lame excuse for people to keep things from their friends and family. If you tell PostSecret, your secret's out in the world and you're free from it. So why would anyone else have to know?

But not everyone has someone to tell, and even if they do, their secrets could be met with judgment, shock, rejection, excommunication, disgust ...

So their secrets remain secrets.

Whenever I read this blog, I usually laugh at least once, jaw drop at least once, cover my mouth in shock at least once, and sigh at least once. These secrets are really interesting, and some I can even relate to.

There are so many secrets unleashed in the world thanks to PostSecret, that they've made books to contain them all.

From reading these for a while, I'm convinced that this outlet has saved lives, or at least made people's lives more bearable.

Learning?

2009-11-24T10:09:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I spent my physics lecture doing a sudoku. I sat next to a friend who played solitaire on his iPod and who texted me in the middle of lecture, “If we’re not paying attention, what are we doing here?” I didn’t know. To not be rude? To fulfill obligation? In hopes that we’ll retain something? I know it’s me that’s responsible for my education. But what can I do if I’m simply not engaged? How much can I force? What if I don’t care what thermal convection means? I don’t care about thermal convection because I don’t understand how I’ll use it and how it will help me better the world. And I definitely don’t understand how it applies to Zoology or the things I’m passionate about.

Ironic. I went to my next lecture (The Information Society) and we talked about education and how it’s not all it’s cracked up to be anymore. We watched a video that shocked me but made sense at the same time.

I guess this blog in and of itself is a testament that I am learning. Half of what I write on here has to do with what I’m learning in class. This blog is a collection of my reflections and processing of the information I’m given in class. But still, why am I checked out half the time?

I guess we all need to learn how we learn and then get that for ourselves. But what if what we need is not available? I've been questioning my state university education, not because I don't think it's not good enough, but because much of the time I'm not getting what I need.

Attention. Dialogue. Human interaction. Some of that is missing here.

And I miss what this embodies:

(cheesy yes, but what they claim is true)

Kaplan University offers a solution: listen to America’s students and design education to fit their needs. But I think a question remains. HOW?

My Madison Community

2009-11-23T08:14:00.000-08:00

I found a church!

It's so hard to "church shop." I even hate that term because it feels like I'm analyzing how well a church will be beneficial to me. This is important, but it feels selfish at the same time. You also have to look at the ways in which you can bless a community. It's a tough balance between getting what you know you need and being willing to give to a church that is imperfect (as they all are).

I've found a church that I feel home at. I'm so content here and it feels so right. I have no desire to look anywhere else. I leave every Sunday inspired and it's real church. It's Damascus Road Church. They embody what I feel church should be.

The preaching gets my heart every week. It's a bold kind of preaching that gets in trouble because it challenges the way church is. It's the kind of word from God that calls us out of our comfortable buildings.

"We are gonna be a people who remembers the poor."

"I think the church is a joke if we don't do something."

Damascus isn't pristine. In fact, there's a whole slew of different kinds of people. Of all ages. Of all backgrounds and lifestyles. And they come as they are ready to be different. We are all ready to be challenged out of the ways that we're living. Even if we feel we're in line with Christ, we want to be better because we know we still fall short.

What's becoming DR's mission statement is part of Isaiah 58:

⁶ "Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:

to loose the chains of injustice

and untie the cords of the yoke,

to set the oppressed free

and break every yoke?

⁷ Is it not to share your food with the hungry

and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—

when you see the naked, to clothe him,

and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

⁸ Then your light will break forth like the dawn,

and your healing will quickly appear;

then your righteousness will go before you,

and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

⁹ Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;

you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.

"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,

with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

¹⁰ and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry

and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,

then your light will rise in the darkness,

and your night will become like the noonday.

¹¹ The LORD will guide you always;

he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land

and will strengthen your frame.

You will be like a well-watered garden,

like a spring whose waters never fail.

¹² Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins

and will raise up the age-old foundations;

you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,

Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

¹³ "If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath

and from doing as you please on my holy day,

if you call the Sabbath a delight

and the LORD's holy day honorable,

and if you honor it by not going your own way

and not doing as you please or speaking idle words,

¹⁴ then you will find your joy in the LORD,

and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land

and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."

The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

I just love people

2009-11-20T07:31:00.000-08:00

I had such a good afternoon yesterday. And it was all because of interactions and connections I had with friends and with strangers, too. I think we forget how much we can get out of just meeting with people - no matter who those people are or how well we know them.

I met with a friend for coffee on State Street. We talked about YWAM and family and our dreams and school and ... we talked for an hour but could've gone forever. From her, I learned that you can find familiarity and a home in someone even in a crowd of 40,000 students. You can find depth in someone you don't know very well.

I was on a high after that. And a 15-minute walk took over an hour.

I ran into some friends of mine who hang out on State Street. They're a homeless community of people persons. The funny thing is is that whenever I see them, they give me something. I wonder, shouldn't it be the other way around? One of the guys makes jewelry, mostly out of hemp, and freely gives it away. "I only accept donations." So far, I have a necklace and a ring that he just gave them to me. Another guy, who I met yesterday for the first time, had a bag of stuff and gave me a pink rock, a "love rock." I'm hoping it has no heavier meaning than I want. Haha. It's interesting that the people with the least are the most generous. From them I learned that nothing physical is worth keeping and generous giving can bring you more joy than what you're giving away.

A few blocks past them, I ran into a Greenpeace representative. Again, looooong, joy-giving conversation. This guy was so interesting. He's a former Marine who spent over 6 years in the Middle East. He got shot twice - once ended up being 2 centimeters from his heart. He's moved all over the US and is so passionate about conservation. He has a warm heart and just wants to talk to people about what he's passionate about. From him I learned that everyone has a story worth hearing, including the people who try to pull you out of your routine to take a survey, hear some facts, or donate some money. Psst, you can always say no. But their stories are invaluable.

Here's my challenge: talk to someone you don't know today. Take interest in them. Hear their story. Learn something. Be inspired.

Don't be selfish; don't try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don't look out only for your own interest, but take an interest in others, too. (Philippians 2:3-4)

More!

2009-11-17T12:37:00.000-08:00

I had a lot of response to my last post. Here are some things I was referred to that I want to share with you. It blows my mind how much of this we're still living.

An article about a Couples Retreat poster

Tim Wise, a secular speaker on white privilege. One speech in particular is exactly what I've been learning in class, exactly what I've been floored and silenced by. I encourage you to listen to the whole thing.